He's Not Affectionate
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
The guy I have been dating for eight months is not and never has been very affectionate. What can I do to get him to become more affectionate? ie; kissing caressing, etc.
This is a relatively common problem. Two people are rarely perfectly matched as far as affection goes - one usually wants more affection and the other wants less. So in your case it's you that wants more affection.
First, you have to think of it from his point of view. It's not that he's actively holding back something to torment you. It's that those brain cells never even activate. It's as if you two were sitting in the living room and he wanted you to suddenly stand up and sing the star spangled banner. It's not that you refuse to do it because you want to annoy him - it's that doing that particular thing just doesn't occur to you.
He probably grew up in a non-touching household and those patterns of behavior just aren't part of his life. So that's where you come in. You have to teach him.
He undoubtedly likes to make you happy. And those are FREE easy ways to do so. So be the teacher. Go up and kiss him, and then say "I just love it so much when we kiss." Ask him to rub your shoulders, and be very happy about it and thank him afterwards. Build in little signals like shrugging your shoulders a bunch of times before asking him to help, or tilting your head up at him before going in for the kiss.
Soon he should start to realize what is going on and when he sees you shrugging your shoulders, he should ask if you'd like a backrub. You give him such great positive feedback when he does that it makes him happy to make you so happy. You need to work at the activities so they become a normal part of your life. It'll take a while, but it'll be worth it.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com