My Boyfriend's Drifting Away

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been with my boyfriend on and off for about 3 years. The last 4-5 months it seems like he can't stand to go anywhere with me. He'll only spend time with me at home but he never wants to go do things that I do. When he does ask me to go somewhere he gets me to have my sister go too and then he goes to the place with his friends while I'm with my sister.

Lately, he's been coming home so drunk that he's throwing up and has hangovers that last for days. Then he can never really tell me where he goes. When I ask him about it he says that it wasn't a big thing that's why he never told me. It makes me feel like he's hiding things from me.

He can't even call me or talk to me. Everytime I try to talk to him about things he just tells me that I'm going to start an arguement when I just want answers from him. I don't know what to do. Is this the end for us? Is he interested in someone else now? Please help me, I don't what to think or do? Advice
Definitely a relationship is about communication and trust, and about actively wanting to spend time together. It sounds like he's actively avoiding all three. His going out and getting drunk and not telling you where he's going is definitely a bad sign. He's acting as if you're his mommy instead of his girlfriend, and instead of actively wanting to share his world with you he's hiding it from you because you're the one trying to "keep him from having fun." But fun should be WITH you not something he sneaks off to do WITHOUT you.

So I guess I'd sit down with him and have a talk. It seems that as per his Mommy attitude, any time you try to talk to him he feels like he's been caught doing something wrong and is going to be yelled at for it. Which again is all in his brain and points out that he isn't looking at this relationship very healthily.

So read my tips on having a talk -

and then when you're both relaxed, say that you know there are problems in your relationship and that you're both to blame. But that you care for him and that you know together you can get through these issues. Say that one issue is that you feel like you're yelling at him more than you want to be, and ask him if he agrees. Remember, you're trying to find a solution so sort of give him openings to talk, even if it starts out with your bad parts coming out first. At least you'll have gotten him talking.

So let's say he says yes, you yell at him a lot and it bothers him. And that it makes him unlikely to talk because he's worried about being yelled at for what he says. OK. Agree that you will work on not yelling, at being more patient and understanding his point of view more.

Then say that probably part of why you've been yelling is that you've been feeling stressed, and that you'd like to work on lowering the stress. And that you'd like his help. OK, he's probably feeling encouraged now that this isn't a beat-on-him session and say OK. So say that you miss the days when you two used to have fun together - that now it seems you're more the 'mom' at home that sees him go off and have fun, then has him come home after the fun is done. That it isn't the *right* role for you - you're his *girlfriend* and not his *mom*. So you want to start having fun *with* him, and ask him for some ideas. Make it a positive thing - don't beat on him for ignoring you, encourage him that you actively want to have fun with him.

Love is a two way street, so this is where he has to show his interest in maintaining the relationship. You've already said you're going to ease up on yelling and make his life better. And all you're asking in return is for him to have fun with you - something he should *want* to do as your boyfriend. So either he does actually start doing things with you and having fun while you hold your tongue for a few weeks, or he doesn't even though you're putting out a big effort. I have to say, if he doesn't after you have a talk and after you are trying your best to make it work, maybe he really has drifted too far away and just doesn't care any more. But hopefully he'll realize what you're saying to him, and start spending more fun time with you, and it'll break him out of this phase.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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