What does she want?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Dear RomanceClass.com Advice,
My girlfriend and I are having some relationship problems; she told me that she does not love me anymore. She said I am not the one she really wants......
We being dating for 1.5 years now, everything was wonderful and I love her very very much. I see her once a week, she lives in NY and I live in PA. Every time I see her We are so happy together. The problem started when her dad found out we are dating. Her dad hated my dad cause of their personal and business issues sometime ago. So her family consistently telling her how bad my dad is and that I am too skinny, and that I studied IT, which is a bad major, and I canít support her future. Her dad told her to go for someone ďbetterĒ. I feel that she got influenced by her dad. She started to think that I am too skinny and she wants me to find a job fast. But I feel she still loves me at the same time. Now she is on summer break, her dad got her a plane ticket to her home country to introduce her some rich boys. I got really mad at this and I wanted to talk to his dad. But my girlfriend said donít do that and just think of she is going there to visit her grandparent, which is true also. I feel that she is having a lot of pressure from her family. She repects her family alot and she also cares about me. And she told me that she will move out next year when she transfer to a college near me. We can live together. I was happy to hear that.
She is in her home country for one week now; she is staying at her dadís friendís house. They are banker and rich. Anyway, when I call her this morning. She told me that they are very nice to her and she thinks they are amazing at how successfully they are. She told me the bankerís son is studying at one of the top ten University majoring in lawyer. He is very smart, he knows politics and he is a team leader at a debate team. Anyway, I was very very happy to hear her voice again. But she was not too excited to hear my voice. So I asked her what is wrong and she said she does not love me anymore and we have no future together. I asked her how come you loved me 1 week ago and now you donít love me? She said going back to her home country had ďOpenedĒ her mind. She told me that I am too skinny and even with my PSU degree I am not the one she is happy with. I told her is it unfair to break up with me over the phone while she is 2000 miles away. I request that we talk about these issues when she comes back on Aug 18 2004. And I also told her that I would not date anyone now, because we have not talked about our issues yet and I ask her to do the same not dating anyone. She said she is not and will not date anyone while in her home country and I trust her. I know her personality and I trust what she said. She said that I could still call her or email her. I feel that her heart still cares from the way she talks to me, but her mind is telling her donít stay with me. I think she is confused at this time. I always love her with my true heart and I am always there for her. I feel that she takes my love for granted. I think I spoiled her from the ďcrazy in loveĒ she gets from me.
My question is that when I call or email her while she is still in her home country, can I still express my love to her? Will that make her feel uncomfortable? Can I talk to her as a boyfriend or just a friend?
My 2nd question is when she is back on 8/19/04, what can I do to win her heart back? What can I say to her? If she wants to be just friends how should I treat her?
My 3rd question is what went wrong? Is it normal for her to change when she experience something different? I donít under how a young lady feels.
I love her very much; she is not just my girlfriend. She is also my friend, someone I can share my feelings with. I donít know what to do without her. I am working out at the gym everyday and started a business and is making 5k per month. She knows that I am doing this for her, but she is still not happy.
Considering all the pressure that her parents put on her, and the distance between you it is not unexpected that her feeling for you are dimming. Continue to tell her you love her but in a factual way rather than a passionate one. Once she returns, try to continue to see her as a friend and hope that her heart comes back to you. As your business grows, she and her parents will think more highly of you. As for your weight, why not spend a little time at the gym and eat more?
Best of luck,
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com