I know he is the one I want to be with even more so now than I did before.Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I broke up about 5 months ago... we had been together for 3 years and had lived together most of that time. We had a pretty great relationship but we just seemed to fall into a rut the last few months. I was pretty busy with graduate school and didn't notice that things were getting kind of rough. One day he said he just didn't feel the same anymore... we talked about it a few times but he said he needed some space to figure things out and it got kind of weird so I moved out. I had heard he was dating someone else almost as soon as I had left. I had some stuff that belonged to him so about 3 months after the breakup I took it to his house and later that night he called me and told me he missed me and didn't know if he did the right thing. He told me about all these problems he was having with the new girl he was seeing (we're 27 and I think she's 19 or 20?). Lots of problems as you can imagine, they just don't see eye to eye on things and they have different priorities and whatnot. They apparently fight all the time.
After that we started talking maybe once or twice a week on the phone for hours at a time. We would talk about all the good times we had and even about what went wrong with us. No blame was assigned, we each admitted what our mistakes were and how we would change things. Well, this went on for 6 weeks and it was all fine except he was still seeing this other girl. One night I called to talk and I guess she was there because he was very short with me on the phone. When we lived together we adopted two dogs and when we broke up we split the dogs up... although sometimes he watches them both or vice versa. When I went to pick up my dog a few days after this phone call we got into a huge fight. All he said was that he didn't feel strongly enough about me at this point to end things with the other girl.
I don't get it, how after all the things he said to me could he go and say that? I can't possibly list all the things he was saying, like he didn't know why he stalled with asking me to marry him. And the kicker, next year his best friend is getting married and he said he wouldn't take anyone else to that wedding because it was always the four of us that hung out together and it would just be weird. Oddly enough I got my own invitation to the wedding. His friends and family just love me, they say I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and that he just freaked about the committment.
Anyway, I guess I don't know what to do. I know he is the one I want to be with even more so now than I did before. The way we were talking about our relationship was just amazing... and I told him that. When I did he just burst into tears saying that was what he needed to hear. After our last fight though, I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore because he was causing me so much stress I couldn't get my schoolwork done. Did I do the right thing? I should note he goes through depression cycles, can be moody, and is on medication (which is ok, he has had a rough life and I have always been understaning of the situation). I tried being his friend but I just couldn't handle it. I know he still cares about me and is just totally confused. Should I try to be there for him as a friend right now or should I just stay away from him? I really want to do whatever is going to help him figure out the right thing for him. Help!
I don't believe the relationship with the 20 yr old is going to last. There's just too much of an age gap for it to work out long-term. Your ex- will have to learn that the hard way, though. And you breaking them up will just be held against you so you shouldn't try that route.
It sounds to me like there's still a lot of feelings going on between the two of you, and those can't be discounted. If you can manage to be a friend to him while he's still with the other girl, then try that. He will see by comparison that you are the better choice and will (eventually) break up with her for you. But it's not something you can force.
He sounds very confused. I wish I could offer some advice about how to fix this, but there is no quick fix.
I wish you the best!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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