I have never had a female friend let alone a girlfriend
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I need some advice that can help me work out or tell me what im doing wrong. What I mean is so far I have never had a female friend let alone a girlfriend. From reading current advice on this site I do know and accept that yes you cant really get a girlfriend unless you are friends first, but im a shy person when it comes to talking to girls I like and I think I usually end up messing it up by trying to skip the friendship part of the relationship and try to move forward too fast. I feel this has happened with all three of the girls I have had an interest in as we start off talking great, but then I usually ask them if they want to go somewhere together like the cinema and from that point on the relationship slowly and to me painfully dies. The reason I ask them if they want to go somewhere together is to become better friends and have a good time, but I am now getting the impression since it has happened three times in a row to me, exactly the same thing every time that im doing something wrong here. What happens when I ask is they make an excuse not to go and then slowly stop talking to me and avoid me.
This is starting to confuse me really badly as I cant see that im doing anything wrong but I feel I must be as three times in a row this has happened, and none of the girls actually told me that they didnít want to speak to me no more or nothing they just like left me to work it out on my own, and to this point in time I still donít understand what I have done wrong. I really want to make female friends and from reading on this site I know it should just be like making male friend but when I talk to girls I get really paranoid about what they are thinking even if im just trying to make friends with them nothing more. I am guilty in the sense that I only really try to talk to girls I am interested in even if its just to make a friendship, im just abit worried about trying to talk to girls I wouldnít be interested in incase I give them the impression I am interested in them if you know what I mean as this has happened to me once and its not a very nice feeling to be told by someone who you like that the two of you can only ever be friends nothing more its kinda heartbreaking to be told that and I donít want to really put anyone in that situation. If a girl showed interest in me but I wasnít interested in more than a friendship of course I would have to let them know but the one time this happened to me the girl didnít she kept saying that she wanted to talk and go out sometime but then slowly stopped talking to me and started to avoid me.
Can you maybe tell me what I am doing wrong or have I just had bad luck so far by picking girls who arenít very nice at telling people they donít want a relationship at all? Donít get me wrong I want to make female friends im not just after a girlfriend that would be a bonus as at the moment I have no female friends only male friends so I feel im at a disadvantage when talking to girls I like as I never had proper convocations with girls before. I have just finished me first college year and there are no girls on my course otherwise I would try make friends with them, so its left me with having to find other ways to meet girls could you give me some suggestions? Im not yet old enough to go into bars and clubs and I find it very nerve racking to approach a girl on the corridor in collage as they are usually in groups which I donít feel comfortable talking in front of.
I have resorted to asking for advice as this is really starting to confuse me now to the extent that some nights I cant sleep all night I just lie there thinking about what im doing wrong and why donít any of the girls I talk to just tell me straight instead of confusing me. I have also suffered a few months ago from a severe lack of appetite to the extent where I went a whole week nearly without eating as I was really worried and confused about the girl I was talking to at the time as one day she told me she wanted to go out somewhere and the next cancelled then never talked and avoided me form then on. I know that probably sounds stupid but it just wound me up that much I felt like I was going insane. I just hope all girls arenít this confusing as the three I talked to nearly drove me insane with confusion.
A confused teen
Stop thinking of girls in terms of 'potential girlfriend'. Start thinking of them as -people- instead of as -girls- and you might do better.
Since you seem to have guy friends, I don't think it's a malfunction in your friendship personality. You just don't have the knack of being friends with girls. There's nothing unusual about this, people write in all the time with questions on how to stop being shy with the opposite sex. You, though, have hit a point where it's debilitating and harmful to your normal day.
In this case, you need to take a step back to take two steps forward. Stop trying so hard. Stop thinking that you -need- to have female friends. Focus instead on other aspects of your life, your schoolwork, your job, your male friends. Stop obsessing over the girls for a while. Set a date about a month from now when you can return to obsessing over them. And when you feel yourself starting to go insane because of a girl, tell yourself you don't have time for it right now, it'll have to wait a month. And let it go.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com