My girlfriend and I recently have begun to fight a lot.
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
My girlfriend and I recently have begun to fight a lot. A couple of weeks ago I told her that I felt terrible because I thought for a moment that I might be a lot happier if I quit talking to her altogether. I told her I was sorry for feeling that way and that I would never feel like that again, and she told me that she understood and then seemed to forget about it.
We were arguing today, when suddenly she brought that up, and said that she could never forget about it. I felt really terrible and told her that I was sorry and that I'm trying everything I can to make her and I happy now, but she seems like she won't let me. No matter how many times I tell her that I'm sorry, she won't listen. She told me to forget about it and so I more-or-less did. I love her too much to stay mad at her over a little argument, but then when I tried to forget about it and get into a normal conversation, she was really quiet and then exploded at me for forgetting it. She holds grudges for so long but I decided that she is too important and so now when we argue I try to cool down and resume talking normal but it just makes her even more angry.
What can I do to make her believe that I won't leave her and that I'm sorry for telling her that I would be happier without her? How can I stop arguing with her? She says that she doesnt want to pretend like we don't argue, but I don't want to dwell on past aggressions, what is the better way to deal with fights?
Please help me, I love her more than anyone and I want things to be like the way they used to be, before we started to argue all the time, but now I feel like she is going to continue to be mad at me and there is nothing I can do. ='(
She needs to grow up a bit. Relationships will always have rocky parts, but to continue the arguments each time you start to bicker will only lead to longstanding grudges that will never be solved. There's nothing at all that you can say to her now to convince her to let go of it. You've said all there is to say.
side note: I don't think there was anything to you feeling like you wanted to be free of her. That happens to -everyone- and it's just a sign of wanting to be free of the stress of the relationship at that moment. It's not a sign that the relationship is over at all. And telling her that you'll never feel that way again is silly ... you feel how you feel and you can't prevent feelings from happening. What you can do is analyze why you feel a certain way, and then fix the problem that caused you to feel that way.
What you can do is ask her what she gains from arguing with you. There must be some reason she likes it because she does it so often. She's getting a feeling of superiority, she's getting reassurances from you ... there's something that makes her bring it up all the time. That's something she needs to delve into and fix if there's going to be any peace between you.
Ask her for a peace treaty. Tell her that you want to start fresh and get the relationship back on track. Agree with her that nothing before today will ever get brought up again. It's amnesty for all the past grievances. Point out that there will be plenty of future things for her to complain about. ;)
I wish you the best!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com