I feel as though sometimes we are arguing over nothing
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, and although I love him very much, we have our ups and downs just like any other couple. When we do argue, I feel as though sometimes we are arguing over nothing, and that all could be avoided if he wasn't so sensitive about very trivial issues.
For example, we had a fight last night about how I answer his questions. He asked me something like, "When do you want to go to the grocery store?" And my answer was, "I figure you'd want to go straight after work, so after work is fine with me." To me that was a sufficient answer. However, to him, it wasn't, and he proceeded to ask me the same question again, "When do you want to go to the store?" And I answer, "I really didn't have a preference, so I figured we'd go after you got home from work." He later emphasized to me how I never answer his questions the first time he asks them, and that he always has to ask me more than once. After discussing it further, I found that he wasn't satisfied with my answer simply because I didn't directly answer with what I WANTED to do since I said, "I figure YOU'D WANT to...." I understand what he is saying, but I don't understand why it is such a big deal. He asks me why I do this (not answer his question the first time) ALL the time.
Other arguments we have stem from very similar situations, such as he accuses me of lying to him when I say I will fold the laundry right when I get home. But instead, I fold the clothes a few hours later. It's not like I neglected to fold them, or even forgot to, I just simply opted to fold them at a different time. He often asks me why I have an attitude towards him. I have asked myself that as well, because I admit that I do in these situations. But I feel that my attitude is a reflection of my perception of his attitude towards me. I really think that I get quiet and subdued for fear that I will initiate some kind of conflict with what I say or do without realizing that I am saying or doing anything wrong. I have told him this before, but he just says that I have a negative attitude towards him.
I really do love him very much, but situations like this are beginning to give me doubts about our future together. They are making me question whether I want to be someone like that for the rest of my life. What can I do to show him how he is acting towards me, and that he his starting to lose me? I feel as though every time that I have tried, he has somehow turned it around on me by saying that I don't do the little things, and that I have a negative attitude towards our relationship because I am giving up on us. When the truth is, I don't love him any less; I am just getting fed up with all this.
He really means the world to me, and he's been there for me through so much. I know I love him, and that encompasses loving ALL of him, but I feel like this is too much. There must be a way for us to be able to communicate or understand each other better. Please help us!
This question is waaay beyond what a simple advice site can do. You obviously love each other and care about each other and pay attention to what the other one's doing and how you're feeling. There's so much here that's good, there's a lot to work with that's positive. Don't give up on it. I strongly suggest that you go to couple's therapy. You both want something from the other, and you're both willing to give what the other wants, but somehow things are getting miscommunicated in the middle. A therapist will act as a translator to convey to each other what really was the issue. It's a great place to work out frustration issues and get pointers on how to handle them differently in the future. And it will show him that you are committed to the relationship and want it to work out. Tell him it'll improve your attitude, he'll go for that!
I wish you the best. It sounds like you've a great thing going there, just needs some polishing around the edges.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com