My girl broke up with me about a month ago, because i was a total jerk

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Hi, in order for you to help me I think I need to write the whole story.

My girl broke up with me about a month ago, because i was a total jerk, i mean i didn't give her any attention, we had comunication break down, didn't talk much to each other anymore. Which hurt her and me at the same time. It gave us a lot of arguements, now I understand that most of the time i was wrong, everything i did was hurting her, my ignorance towards her drove her nuts.

I believe the cause of it was that we lived together in one room, in a foreign country (where there is no where to go to have descent fun). Our relationship lasted for more than 3 years, for the past 1 year we were really bored of each other. We lived together for 3 years, never got apart from each other for more than a week (rarely). But again I believe it is lame excuse for me behaving in such a bad way to her. I should have kept on going like before caring about her.

Now I don't mean i didn't care at all, it's just the amount of care reduced tremendously. I was a bastard, I hate myself now.

Anyways the trimester break came and we were planning to go back home together, we both were excited, but i have decided to stay and let her go alone. So that we both have some space and when we meet up again after one month we will be interesting to each other again. She didn't like the idea she was asking me to go together, but i insisted and stayed.

While waiting for her I missed her a lot, I have been thinking about our problems and have read a lot about relationship. I wanted to be a better boyfriend when she comes back.

She came back I met her at the airport I could see it in her eyes that something has changed, when i huged her and try to kiss her she didn't kiss me back. When we got back to our place I asked her "whats wrong?"
She answered that she doesn't love me anymore, and that she didn't miss me that much, and that she have met someone else. She said she didn't wanted to hurt me later so better off make it straight. She didn't wanted to tell it to me through the phone, thats why she waited untill she came back.
She said that she hasn't slept with him or anything, she said that she fell for him almost from the first sight, and he was caring. She said she met him only a week before coming back. And he gave her teddy bear on the day she was coming back and kissed her.

After few days I came to her told her how I feel told her that it doesn't matter if she met someone else, told her that i miss her and I love her. And somehow it happened so that we slept together. And it happened many times during past one month since we broke up. Sometimes she would come over to my place and we would be talking and somehow end up sleeping together. Everytime after sleeping with me she would become real sad and sometimes even crying and we both promissed each other that we won't do it again.

I tried to let her go, she asked me to be her friend, I tried but i couldn't because the guy would msg her on her phone and she would be replying to him right in front of me.
I couldn't stand it, I told her that I can't be her friend, I told her that i won't see her if there is no need, I won't call her or anything. I told her that if she needs anything from me then she could call me or msg me and I would be glad to help her.

Few days passed and she msged me asking some help on her computer. At that time I missed her like crazy, I was going out of my mind. So when i came to her place i did something terrible, I have installed a spy software which gave me the password to her mail account. Fixed her computer and left.

I would know everysingle mail she receives but the guy never sent any mails except for 2 mails with his pictures.
I knew they send txt msges to each other. but at the same time i have got her new boyfriends Yahoo ID. I have talked to him as a girl and he was flirting and stuff like that. I was mad, I left the conversation and was thinking about it. I decided to let it go also, since it's just a flirt and doesn't prove much about him. And I never hacked again.

Few days passed and my Ex msged me on the yahoo, she said she was lonely and bored, I told her that i could give her few DVDs but she didn't want them, then i offered her an online game that we liked to play but she refused and said that she feels down and it feels like everything she does seems so bad. I tried to make her happier at the moment and told her "just put ur cute smile on ur cute face and try to not thing negative" try to be happy. She replyed to me that she hates herself. I told her just go and try to sleep tomorow will be new day and everything will be fine.

That night I have sent her an e-card to encourage her with some encouraging words mentioning everything she is good at. The next morning she replyed me with thanks and she said she felt real good.

Soon after she asked me if she could borrow those DVD's I said sure but i didn't go and see her I passed it thru some of my housemates (she lives in a neighbouring house now less than 1 minute away from me) I gave her "you've got mail" with a letter attached to it, saing encouraging stuff and nothing like i miss u or something. Because I still wanted to get over her.

Few days later when i finished my classes i met her at the busstop, she was also going back home as me. I asked her how she did, she said great (didn't really mean it)
And then she asked me if i would want to go to the city and have a good meal and watch a movie?
I couldn't refuse, i was dying to spend some time with her, so i accepted.

When we were walking inside the mall we had some fun want to few shops then went to the place where we both like to eat and after the meal when we got out she tried to hold my hand but i have escaped it. Soon after her new boyfriend starts msging her and she is replying and I was really disapointed. Finally we got into the cinema and watched Shrek 2. During movie she asked me to hug her, and i did, I was just happy and sad.
When we got back home I went to my room and thought of what happened and it gave me BIG HOPE that she still have feelings for me.

Thats when I wanted to get back to her. But I knew that she already has someone else, and it torturned me. So next day I have brought a bottle of whisky and drank it half of it alone, and went to sleep. The next day I did it again.
And drunk me did really stupid thing.
I msged her yahoo and told her that i hacked into her computer and told her that I know that her new boyfriend is cheating on her (I don't even know why I told it) that he is a joke and stuff like that. Probably at that time i just wanted to hurt her under the influence of alcohol.
But as I said that she came into my room and asked me to prove it, I just told her to ask him don't ask me to do it.

I couldn't prove it to her but the thing is that she knows that i am capable of hacking into computers and she believed me. She cried and she left the room. I couldn't let her go like that. So when I followed her to her room I just told her that I might be wrong I said there was just a girl who he is been chatting with thats it. She cryed and I huged her when she stoped crying I was gonna go back (I was still drunk) when she asked me just to stay with her this one night, she said I know it will hurt u tomorow morning but she said she really needs it. So I stayed.
What happened was that she asked me to hug her and make her go to sleep, I did but she didn't sleep instead she huged me and started crying, she was blaming me by saing "why didn't you go back with? why didn't you?" I couldn't hold it and i cryed with her. Somehow again we end up making love.

Next morning she had class and i didn't. After what she told me the previous night it gave me EVEN BIGGER HOPE that she still feels something for me. So when she was on her way to the University I called her and told her "call me when you will come back and tell me if you would want to see me or not" she said "ok but don't wait for me go to sleep".
I was waiting for her she came back and gave me a call and told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore and asked me not to call her or msg her, asked me to leave her alone.
And don't wait for her.

I was shocked at that time but not anymore. So the next day I went to her place talked to her. I said I am sorry for what I did and she was angry at me. And I asked her doesn't any of what she said mean anything now? She replyed that it's because what i said she was shocked and messed up at that time and thats why she said all that stuff.
I appologised, tried to explain why I did it.
She got a bit angry and told me that I am very selfish person, she said she never expected anything like that from me, she said that she will never ever trust me anymore, and she said that she is afraid of me. She asked me to become normal like I used to be told me to stop drinking and go for classes and don't do stupid things. She blamed that I am 22 and I act like 16. She asked me to be more mature.

I said that I am sorry for everything I have done and told her that I will be the way she wants me to be, I told her that I will not disturb her anymore, and told her that I will still wait for her. She said don't wait for me. I said I will wait till I die. And I left.

The next day I have already got into trouble, I was involved into a fight, but it wasn't my fault it was because of someone. So i have got bruises and wounds everywhere.
When I got home Police called me and asked me to come with my passport and stuff. And the thing is that my passport is still with my Ex. So I had to go and ask for it from her, when she saw me she was worried she asked me what happened and, i told her that it's not a biggie and i needed the passport for something else. But she knew I am lying and when i was about to leave she gave me a hug. I told her that when i get back home i will call her and asked her not to worry.

When I got back she already found out what has happened from someone else, and she was blaming me for doing something stupid. She said yesterday u told me u won't do anything stupid and look at urself now. I tried to explain that it wasn't my fault at all but she didn't accept it.

Now I am sitting here seeking help, from you. I realize that what I have done is terrible, there is no excuse for what I have done. I hate myself for being such an asshole.

I need her I really do, and if we get back together I know we will be way better than before. I trust myself that I can make her happy. I want to spend my whole life with her, want to grow old together, want to be beside her all the time, I want to be her man forever.

Please advise me how to get her trust in me back, How to get my other half back. I need your help. I understand whatever I will have to do won't be easy, I understand that it's easier to get over her rather than getting her back. I understand it's almost impossible. But I have faith in her and me. I believe in us happily ever after.

I believe she is the one for me and I am the one for her. Please HELP! I want her back! I want her to trust me again! and please try to reply me faster :P
Thanks a lot for your time and understanding.
~XaupTau~ Advice
Well, honesty is always the best policy, but it looks like in this situation when you were drunk you were waaaay too honest with her. That broke her faith in you, and probably ruined any chance of reconciliation.

I'm sure she still loves you. But she has to get over the betrayal that you did to her and the meanspirited actions about her boyfriend. You shouldn't have done those things, as you know, and now you're paying for it.

The only thing to do is to be honest and trustworthy and responsible and an overall decent guy. See if you can get to be friends with her, because it's always easier to step from friend to more than from zero to more. So keep up the friendship and show her through your actions that you are the decent guy she had thought you were before you went and screwed it all up.

I wish you the best,


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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