when we fight he says some horrible, horrible stuff.
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for several months, he treats me well, most of the time, which brings me to the problem... when we fight (over something ive done that he believes is really wrong and upset him, which is the only time we fight, the issues that we fight about most people would find quite petty in nature.)he says some horrible, horrible stuff. He becomes verbally abusive and says things to me and about me that i feel are really uncalled for. During every fight he tells me its over and he cant be with me anymore because ive upset him/let him down so much.
It always seem to get resolved in the end, after he demands i prove to him im serious about making it up to him. After he calms down, he seems to turn into another person, the next day the topic is even forgotten. I have said to him in passing i find his behaviour hurtful and verbally abusive at times and he has said that he doesnt want to talk about it. He has mentioned he regrets his actions later on.
Unfortunately, being talked to in this manner is something i am definately not used to. I have to say, i am finding it hard looking at him in the same way after all this has happened. It feels like im waiting for a time bomb to go off. I do love him, and i want to make it work, but unfortunately, these aspects of his personality are starting to cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety. What should I do?
You should force him to talk with you about it. Tell him calmly that you will not tolerate his yelling at you, you don't deserve it. Tell him that when he starts being abusive toward you, you will walk out and not return for an hour. Then you will be back to talk about the topic in a calm, adult manner. Tell this to him up front when you're not arguing, and then when you do argue, stick with it. Tell him, "I warned you that I would walk out for an hour if you started to talk to me like this. I will be back in an hour." and leave. By telling him when you'll return, you're letting him know that you're not walking out on the relationship.
What might also help is to figure out why you're fighting so much. Why are you fighting over petty little things, is it a control issue? Is it frustration of a bad day that spills into bickering? You need to get to the root problem if you want to stop fighting all the time.
I wish you the best!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com