I think that he is afraid to get too close to me because he lost his wife a year and a half ago

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I've been involved with an older man now for a year.My problem is that he is a "hot" and "cold" person.For a while, he would visit me all the time and ask me to come over his house.We would have a drink,listen to music,just chill out.Then all the sudden,he has very little to do with me.I think that he is afraid to get too close to me because he lost his wife a year and a half ago and still misses her very much.All he wants to do is drink with his buddies(they come over nearly every day),listen to country music and play darts.Last fall we had a fight and didn't see each other from 3 months.After the holidays,he apologized to me for hurting me.He says that he thinks of me and loves me,but,has a lot of problems to deal with.I try to help him and be understanding,but,I'm getting fed up.When he feels that the two of us are getting too close,he pulls away.He also suffers from impotence(He has had this problem for several years now).He touches me and kisses on me,but,is afraid to try to have sex with me.I think that he cares more about his buddies and beer than our relationship.It's hard for us to be alone because of my work schedule and the fact that his buddies(2 of them) are always at his house! I don't mind him having friends,but,there is times that I want to be alone with him.Whenever I mention something about his buddies,he gets upset with me.I don't nag him about his drinking because his wife,family,etc have told him about his problem and he does what he pleases.I do LOVE him very much because he is a sweet caring person,but,I feel that our relationship is going nowhere.His buddie were nasty to me for awhile,but,now they are real friendly toward me.I don't mind drinking and sitting,but,NOT ALL THE TIME!!!Like I said,I think that he is afraid to get close to another woman because he might lose me like he lost his wife.She was very sick for several years and took care of her.Should I just back off and give him space or move on? I love very much and I think deep down,he loves me. Thank you

RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds to me like you have a wonderful friendship and that you should maintain this friendship. But it sounds to me like there's no way that this relationship will give you the satisfaction and comfort that a true relationship should give you. Between his dead wife and those guys across the street, and his health/financial troubles and his kids who never come by, this guy's swarming with bad issues. This is why you're a good friend. But it sounds to me like he's not in a good place where he could tend to your needs, which are equally important as his.

Find someone new for a romantic relationship and keep this one as a friendship. This way you'll have the best of both worlds.

I wish you luck!


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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