My fiancee recently broke it off with me.
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My fiancee recently broke it off with me. We had been together for one year and had a blissful relationship - we barely ever argued and we respected each other a lot, and most of all we loved each other like crazy. In February, he broke it off saying that he loved me more than words could say, but he felt that he wasn't ready because he missed the freedom and lack of pressure that went along with being single. His deemener is very all or nothing. We were only broken up for a week when he called me and said that he didn't want to lose the best thing that happened to him in his life. Two weeks later he asked me to marry him (without a ring). I was still excited and I thought it meant that he was really ready for commitment. Since then, he had been that "rock" that he promised I could count on and he seemed very excited about everything. We found a place together, found a ring, he told me to quit my job, and then we were looking for roomates to share the house with us...this triggered an argument where I sugessted that we ask these potential roomates questions about their lifestyles. By this, he thought I wasn't trusting him. Anyway, he wouldn't let it go, hung up on me, wouldn't answer my calls, and sent me a cold breakup e-mail! I felt like I had been shot. The e-mail said that he stives hard to meet my standards and that he has no more patience left. I was floored because I have always been a go with flow type of girl and whatever he has suggested doing we do. Anyway, so I drove to his house to confront him (being that the e-mail was somewhat vague). I also read him a letter that I wrote him. By the end of it he was shaking and close to crying. His explanation was that it was the most beautiful thing he has ever experienced, but that his life wasn't meant for plans right now - that his work pulls him in other directions - that the beauty of our realtionship continues to make him happy - that he doesn't want to create instability for me - that when I get disappointed it pressures him. Basically, that it was too much pressure, pressure which he admitted he put on himself to make me happy. Although he said he's never been happier with anyone. He also said that he was ready for it in his heart for marriage, but not the logistics (even when we both agreed to be engaged for two years).
Please tell me what this all means. Is there any hope? I think it would be hard for me to trust him being that I get no signs and then boom...he never told me these things (until this) even when I straight out asked him about being ready to move in, he said he had no doubts. However, I have never thought of anyone so beautiful and we both still love each other. I want to be with him, but I also would want us to talk with a counselor. He said that he wanted us to move on our separate ways. I am having a little trouble doing that...
If you can get him into counselling, then you can save the relationship. It sounds like he has cold feet and is feeling things are rushing too fast for him, that the closeness you share is scaring him. That's not unusual. Unfortunately, it's causing you a whole lot of pain right now. If he can get beyond those fears, then you and he will have a wonderful life together. That's a big if, and there's not a whole lot you can do to help him get that unless he's ready for it.
It sounds to me like things will work out for the best, so long as you take it easy and cajole him into communicating more. He needs to get honest with you and tell you more of how he's really feeling rather than hiding it in order to keep everything "happy".
Good luck with this... I think that things will get better for you both, you sound like you're good for one another.
-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com