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A Love Quote
We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain



I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we are engaged



Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Hi I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we are engaged. I love her very much. She has a 7 year old daughter who I also love as my own.
When we first met I had just come out of a 4 year relationship with a girl(beause she slept with my friend) and met my current girlfriend a few weeks later. I really liked her but she had plans to move away but I deceided that I should just enjoy her company whilst it lasted. When my ex broke up with me I deceided that we should not hate each other but try to get along and I would let her see my dog and still take him for walks. Anyway before I went out on the first date with my girlfriend I said to my ex that if she had any second thoughts about our relationship then she should let me know now as I didnt want any complications. About 2 weeks later my ex came to my house and we ended up sleeping together. This made me realise that I in fact didnt like my ex as much as I thought as I felt more towards my new girlfriend. I didnt know what to do and felt very mixed up and felt I was a cheat. I went to a bar with my girlfriend and she said to me that she had slept with someone she had dated a few times before me on the same night. This made me feel the relationship was hopeless now as we had both cheated on each other, and she still had plans to move. Anyway I said I forgave her and didnt mention what I had done. I spoke of it to a female friend at work and she said I should say what I had done. I did and she went mad saying that I would never have told her and she gave me the opertunaty to walk away if I wanted. I felt she was being hipocritical and she finished our relationship because of it. however within a week we were back together.
For the next 2 months things were up and down. At xmas eve I said I would stay home as I had never been out with a women with a child and thought that as a 3 year old would be running in on xmas day it would be best to leave that time for mother and daughter, especally if when I stayed overnight she never wanted her daughter to see her in bed in the morning with another man.
Anyway after xmas we had an arguement and she told me that I was wrong for leaving her at xmas (although we met later on xmas day and had xmas dinner with friends)and that one of her male friends called her on xmas eve and came over to see her. She said he was drunk and tried to kiss her but she refused and he slept on the sofa. I was very angry and hurt at this and told her to f off. As she was walking home I was worried about her so thought I should drive her. In the car she told me to just shut up and drive so I started to drive fast. She grabbed the wheel and crashed the car into a wall writing the car off. I told her to get out and left her to go home herself. A few days later we spoke and we made up but I was still very angry. I saw my ex the same day and she said I deserve much better and we went to her house and ended up having sex. We said we should get back together and she went to work. I called her at work to say we must talk as I had realised that I was just going back to her not because I loved her but for all the wrong reasons. I told her it should have never happened and I would make it up with my girlfriend(perhaps I even did this to hurt her for sleeping with my friend when we were together)
Anyay I never told my girlfriend about this until about 2 years later after another arguement( yes we have had a very rocky relationship but I do feel we also have a very strong bond aswell) were she prised it out of me. She then said she had always known and could never trust me. We did make up after a few weeks but she always has now said that I had an affair with my ex for months which I never did. She has never really trusted me since.
We are now having problems because at a time when we were split up I filmed 2 sketches a friend did who is trying to break into comedy doing something similar to the programme "Jackass"> I told her about one of them and she went mad .She said did you do any thing else and I said no as I was worried what she would do. Then 2 nights ago after a few drinks we were at my friends house and he put the tape on to show her. She went mad on me , and asys the engaement is off and she cant trust me at all. If i am doing this then i must be lying about other things. I am a very loyal boyfreind and other than what i said earlier have never cheated. I feel she is totallt over reacting but part of me is wondering if we just arent compatible even though love is definately there. I feel it is such a waste especially as now I am so very close to my step daughter as she never sees her real father as he has no interest in her. I would just like some advise on what you think I should do and wether with all the history of our relationships it will just be a series of arguements.
Ps Sorry this is so long.
Ed




RomanceClass.com Advice
You have a very rough relationship here. It sounds like there's a lot of hurt on both sides that needs to be resolved. You and she both have reasons not to trust one another, and trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. I strongly suggest that you get into couple's counselling to work through these issues and get yourself back onto solid ground. If it were only this one time, I would say your girlfriend is overreacting. But since you've shown yourself to be less than honest at other times, she has a reason to feel the way she does, even if you know that there's nothing more. This is where couple's counselling will pay off, where a neutral third party will help her understand that you are now what you say you are.

I wish you luck!
--Jenn



-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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