Jealous of his ex-!
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half. He was married when we first got together, but his divorce was final about a month ago. We have two significant problems with our relationship, the biggest one being my jealousy over his ex-wife. She calls him every day. Sometimes they talk for a while other times for only a few minutes. Very rarely does she call for anything of any importance. I've expressed my concern to him, but he thinks I'm over reacting and being paranoid over nothing. He tells me that I knew from the start that he was going to remain friends with her and he will always care about her. That's all good and well, but I'm not comfortable feeling as if I'm playing second fiddle the emotional well-being of his ex. He even took her to lunch for her birthday, which just happened to be our 1 and a half year anniversary. I knew I was asking for trouble when I got involved with a married man, but I love him very much and I want things to work between us. His ex doesn't know about our relationship, but I think it's time for her to at least know he's been seeing someone. We also work together (his ex-father-in-law is his supervisor) and I'd rather not have our relationship dragged into the workplace, so him not telling her who he's seeing is perfectly fine with me. He tells me he loves me and if he still wanted to be with her then he would have remained married and would not have gotten involved with me in the first place. This makes perfect sense to me, but sometimes I just can't stop the ugly green monster from taking over my emotions. Please help me.
It's good that you recognize that your feelings aren't founded on reality. I understand how you might feel threatened by his ex-, but as he points out, if he wanted to be with her, he still would be. It's a lot easier to stay in a marriage, even one with problems, than to leave it for a new one. So he wants to be with you, he chose to be with you, and he's dedicated to you. Now, his having an ongoing friendship with his ex- is actually a good thing. It means he's a caring guy who has a lot to give. And he's not vindictive, meanspirited, or any other typical ex- behaviors. I wouldn't take it personally that he took his ex- out for lunch on your year-and-a-half anniversary (who does 'half years' but little kids anyhow?). As for him telling her that he's seeing you, you know you've been together forever, but from his ex-'s point of view, he's only been available for a month. That's an awfully quick time to find the love-of-his-life. I would keep things low key for a while longer, or he could approach it that he's met someone interesting that he's started to date, but not give the seriousness of the relationship. It would be very traumatic for his ex-, and since you were sleeping with her husband, you should have a little sympathy for her emotions. It doesn't mean you're on the back burner, you're just allowing for an emotional buffer for everyone involved.
Good luck with this, I'm sure it will all work out for the best.
-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com