My Girlfriend Loved Tormenting Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I love your website!

My (now x) girlfriend talked about her x-boyfriends. I warned her at the outset not to - I'm pretty possessive and hearing about someone I love be ravaged by another guy... let's just say it 'irks' me.

She told me intimate details that I really, really wanted to do without. I'm not sure if she was looking for therapy or absolution. All I was looking for was a relationship.

This girl is the closest thing I've ever had to a soulmate (and I've had my fair share of girlfriends). We've broken up twice. I went back because I was unsure of my first decision and thought I should give it another try just in case. But the same thing happened on multiple occasions and I dumped her.

I should mention that (a) The very first time she mentioned an x I asked her "don't tell me about the x-boyfriends"; (b) I realise I messed up here, too and; (c) that I've noticed that there are some girls that want to tell me everything (which ends up making me 'visualise' them as sluts) and girls that tell me nothing about their x-boyfriends (which I wholeheartedly prefer). Am I alone in this possesiveness or is this a guy thing?

My questions are these: am I a complete psycho for 'not' wanting to hear all the juicy details (sexual and otherwise) of my girlfriend's past love affairs? Should any man be expected to comfort his girlfriend as she grieves over lost loves?

She's the best girlfriend ever and I'm really sorry to let her go but I need to know I'm the only one. I had to put my foot down somewhere.

Thanks, and keep up the great work. Advice
There is always an important balance in knowing about your partner. On one hand, it is important that a person know who the previous partners were, and what each relationship was like. That can really help you a lot in a wide number of situations - accidentially running into one, hearing about one from friends, having her get upset when she sees a certain movie. It is important in the same way that it's important to know about the relatives of your girlfriend, and the best friends.

But that being said, you shouldn't ever be having to listen to sexual play by plays.

Let's say you were a wild swinger type and you enjoyed that sort of thing. In that case, if she enjoyed telling and you enjoyed hearing, that would be one thing.

But quite the opposite is the reality you have. You don't have any interest in hearing about her sexual past deeds. KNOWING this, she continually brought the topic up - KNOWING it upset you. That is pretty clearly a lack of respect. He knows it bothers you, she tells you anyway. That would be like her knowing you hated liver - and she kept making it for you for dinner, forcing you to eat it. You have to ask yourself, why would she be happy making you unhappy? Aren't there millions of other things to eat? Aren't there millions of other things to talk about?

I know you dream of this girl being your soulmate, but this just isn't something that a soulmate would do. Being a soulmate is primarily about having great respect and concern for the other person. This girl does not have that.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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