I've Cheated, Now What?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have cheated. This weekend My Boyfriend of two years, his bestfriend, and I went out partying. My boyfriend got really drunk really earliy. The bestfriend and I sent him home in a cab, and continued to party. Well all weekend, i had developed a little crush... belive me when I say this boy is super sexy and A bit of a rock star. We went to a club, sat in the back and made out all night. After that club shut down, we went to another after hours club and made out heavy untill we decided to go home. My boyfriend was so passed out, we could not get a hold of him to let us up in the appartment (i did not have a key) So afer a few minutes we decide to go and get a hotel room. We were on fire all night, and at no time did I have any regrets. I did not hesitate for one second.
The next day, we got up went home and found out that my boyfriend, who bought our lame story, had been so drunk when he got home, he invited complete strangers OFF THE STREET to come up and party with him... little did he know that they ripped off my laptop, $100, and his pager. I am so upset about all this. I have not eaten in days, I can't sleep, and when I do clear my head for a few minutes, All I think about is how great the sex was with his friend, and If I had to do it all over again, I would get on it!!!
But I am also feeling really used. His friend, like I said eariler is somewhat famous, and a total rock star.. so he has sex all the time and dosen't think twice. I guess my crush on him was intisified by sleeping with him. I just don't know what to do... and beleive you me, I will NEVER EVER tell my boyfriend waht happened. This so to big for him. And I would never want to ruin the realtionship between him and his friend... Which my boyfrined thinks is a GOD.
I am just so tired, and overwhelmed by all the events, I can't thank clearly and Tell myself that this was just a one time thing, and His bestfriend will never want to do that again. His friend is not the "relationship" type. And my boyfriend and I, for the most part, have a strong loving relationship.. Could this one night ruin everything? My beau is wonderful, respectful, and 100% loving to me. He wants to marry me. How can I get ofer this awful nightmare...
First, I do understand how it all happened. It's easy to get caught up in the moment, and to give in to a friend. It's pretty common, if someone is going to have an affair, to do it with a friend because they're always there, you know them well, you probably have a lot in common with them.
I really have to advise telling your boyfriend. A relationship - *especially* a marriage to be - is based on honesty, trust and love. And forgiveness. You can NEVER assume something like this is going to stay a secret forever. Who knows if this other guy will randomly let something slip at some point, even by accident. Or you could say something by accident. Or you could just become overwhelmed with grief in the future and blurt it out, even though you don't think you want to right now. The longer you go on lying, the worse it will be when it DOES come out. If you admit it now, and work through the grief, it will be painful. But you did the deed and doing the time is the consequence. To lie to him, to in essence shield yourself from any consequences and denying him his choice in how to handle the situation, is very unfair. Either you're in a relationship or you're not. If you're in a relationship, it means you don't keep secrets from each other, you don't try to hide things from each other or to lie about anything. Really, in the grand scheme of things, a one night stand when you're drunk is relatively minor. If you can't even talk to your future spouse about THIS, what will you do when you guys are married, have kids, and something more serious comes up?
Yes, it will be hard. And yes, he'll be hurt. But part of being in a serious relationship is realizing that mistakes happen, and that you're mature enough to FACE them, and that you grow and learn and go on from them. If you don't trust him to handle a problem, the relationship is on pretty shaky ground to start with ...
Read my hints about breaking up here -
I'm NOT saying you guys are breaking up. But a lot of the same techniques apply to the conversation. You are being open and honest about a painful subject. You are hoping this will make you both have a more solid relationship. And yes, he'll be upset. And you have to deal with it and work to regain his trust.
But believe me, lying about it to him is NOT the answer. If you really feel that's the only way you can get through this, your relationship needs some serious help, and you might want to talk to a therapist or priest.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com