Obsessed Over a Girl
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
A couple of years ago, I (29) developed strong feelings toward my best friend's younger sister (23), who I had known for virtually her entire life. She and I had always shared a very special friendship and are an emotional foundation for each other. These feelings interfered with my long-standing relationship with my girlfriend. I decided to clear the air and tell my friend's sister how I felt and would be interested in discussing them if she ever wanted to. She responded that she perceived me as an "older-brother" and that she was doubtful that this image of me would ever change since she had known me for her entire life. She also thought that I was hitting on her because she was "safe" and I was having a difficult patch with my girlfriend. Finally, she was very concerned about ruining our friendship.
As I became more fixated on my friendís sister, my relationship with my girlfriend continued to deteriorate. I thought that if I could just get her to see me in a different way that maybe she would see how perfect I thought we would be together as a couple. I believed I could win her over by: showing her how I had changed into a stable and mature adult, flirting in a bolder manner, being extra polite, buying her things such as lunch and presents and writing songs for her; I even arranged for her to get a job near me. She never directed me to stop this treatment of her --other than to say that she wasnít looking for any relationship-- but she never encouraged the behavior either. Unfortunately, I also lost focus on my natural behavior and started to act like the man who I thought could win her over rather than myself. This cycle continued for a series of months until I left my girlfriend, in part for my friendís sister.
One evening, about a week after my break-up, I took my friendís sister to the mall and then invited her to a romantic restaurant for dinner. I thought that this would be a good opportunity to express my feelings in a bolder way. As the meal progressed, I brought up the subject. She, again, subtly explained that she didnít want a relationship with me. In fact, she had the sense that I was wrapped around her finger and that I was not a challenge. I replied that I felt that there was only a small window of time during which we would both be available and I wanted to act upon it. Moreover, I thought of myself as a different type of challenge: An intellectual one. After all, we had known each other for so very long and have the friendship and emotional bond necessary for a successful relationship. She had expressed in the past that she found me to be attractive, funny, outgoing and intelligent.
Unfortunately, I did not take her subtle feedback well and I pushed the issue. I told her that we had everything except a sexual relationship and that I was essentially an excellent lover. She rebuffed me again and I responded that someday she was going to regret passing up the relationship opportunity. She expressed that any chance for a different relationship I would have ever had was finished because she would always think about the ďregretĒ comment. Moreover, she had experienced a guy pushing themself onto her several times with other friends and she stopped talking to every other man who had acted in this manner. Since I had clearly acted like a jerk in overstepping the bounds of our relationship, insulted her and was in serious danger of permanently ruining our wonderful friendship, I immediately expressed regret for my behavior. I promised to never again bring up this topic and to restore my role as a good friend. I also expressed that I was just confused about life in general and my broken relationship with my girlfriend. The about-face seemed to work as we departed on good terms and she called me for lunch the next day at work, provided that I wasnít going to be ďin a weird moodĒ.
I could use advice on three different fronts: 1) I went back to my ex-girlfriend that night and think it might have been premature. 2) I am very concerned that I have done permanent damage in my relationship with my friendís sister. 3) I still have feelings for my friendís sister and want to know if there is still a chance that I can start from scratch, be myself and properly change the relationship slowly over time.
There's a point when a relationship turns from friendship to obsession. I really think you have crossed the line. This woman has made it extremely clear, over and over, that she is not interested. You are convinced that you can pound this girl into submission if you just keep hammering at her. It's time you actually look around for a girl who WANTS to be with you vs trying to force a girl who does NOT want to be with you.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com