He's Taking Advantage of Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating this guy for about two years. Over the last year he has really changed. He slowly nudged his way into living at my house. At first it was no stayovers, then slowly turned into weekends, and now he is staying here full time. He has a full time job but will not help with the bills. He blows his money on whatever he feels like, including losing his whole paycheck gambling. I am fed up with this. I have kicked him out several times and taken him back on his promise that he will help. He never does. I feel he is taking major advantage of me and the situation. Am I right on the money?
This is a really, really tough situation to be in. It's not like it happens all at once. He doesn't say "I'm living with you and am going to leech off of you." Instead, it goes very slowly, and at each step you don't really feel like you can complain, because it's not "that much worse" than what you were already going through. And you care about the guy and want to be reasonably helpful.
But in the end, you have to look at the situation *right now* and say to yourself, is this right and fair? A relationship MUST be based on honesty, trust and fairness. There is NO WAY that it is right for a person (whatever sex, male OR female) who is earning an income to sit there and leech off of the other person. You are partners. You both should share in the bills, in the chores, and in the maintenance of the relationship.
You are NOT his mommy. You have no obligation to "carry him". In fact, what most parents try to do is to get their children to be self sufficient! That is the ultimate aim of a parent, to raise a child into a fully functional adult. This guy is NOT fully functional. He is still a child, wanting someone else to take care of him.
You are completely right to be fed up. Your relationship needs to be about you both contributing equally. He is using you and you are in a way enabling his behavior by allowing him to do so. It's your choice to stop. Make up a spreadsheet of the bills that are due each month and the chores which must be done. This is the "maintenance of your environment." Then sit down and place it in front of him. If you two are in a relationship, those bills and tasks should be shared by you both. Either he shares, or he's not part of the relationship. It's as simple as that.
I know this is really hard and you feel sorry for him. But being an adult means you take care of yourself. If he hasn't learned that by now, it's high time he figured out how to. Otherwise he may never.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com