When is it time to move in together?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Just in the last two months I started dating this guy at my job. We have been working on the same floor for 2 1/2 yrs. And have had many conversations and became friends through work. We have hung out a few times outside of work with other work buddies. I was in a 3yr relationship that the guy I work with was aware of. Never has he ever disrespected that. During the whole 2 1/2 yrs we worked together he liked me, and I never knew cause I was wrapped up in my current relationship.
When the 3yr relationship ended I told the guy work with, hoping that something may come out of it, I started noticing how compaitable we are. Right at the moment I told him that I was single he confessed everything to me. How he has liked me since he started working here. He asked me out on a date and I said yes, he was shocked he never thought he would have a chance, he just knew I was going to be in that relationship forever.
When I look back on the conversations we had, he had hinted around to things that he would want to do with his lady if he was involved, and the whole time he was talking about if he was involved with me. All his feelings about me were revealed when I told him I was single.
Now we are considering moving in together and sharing a life together. It's only been 3 months since I got out of the 3yr relationship. I feel that, that part of my life has closure, but I am still hesitant in my feelings towards the guy at work. I care about him alot. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to make him happy. I have been extremely happy around him, and it's been a lot of 1st time experiences with him. We have been together 24/7 since our first date. He has told me that he loves me, but I feel that I am not ready to say "I Love You" even though I am there for him 110%. I want to share a life with him, I want to be his backbone, I want us to continue to be happy together, I want to grow old together like his parents and and raise a beautiful family. By me not being ready to say "I Love Him", Would moving in together be too soon??
You're very wise to be cautious here. There is always a rebound time after a relationship, where you miss being with "someone" and are thrilled to be desired again. It's really, really easy to get confused during this period if another person comes along - maybe that person is great, but maybe it's just the rebound emotions taking control.
It does sound like things are good with you two, especially that he was supportive and patient and NOT destructive while you were with the other guy. That's a really good sign, that he respected you.
Three months is pretty quick, though, for you to have gotten out of a really long term relationship (longer than some marriages!) and be living with someone else. The key for two people to live together and be happy is that both can stand on their own and be happy, and then together they make an even better match. You're barely on your own right now, and if you move in and then things aren't perfect, that rush will be a 'crutch' for you to hang grievances on. "I should have waited longer", "we moved too quickly." You don't want there to be lingering reasons like that to use as excuses, you want to feel that you did things when you wanted to, and therefore you need to work on the results.
If you do intend to be together for the rest of your lives, that's many, many decades. A few months waiting at the beginning to get things right won't hurt anything, and it really can make the difference between success or failure. So take the time. There's no rush. You have many, many years. Spend the time together, do chores, wake up together, stay in touch. But each of you have your own world that is your own, that you can be yourself in.
Wait until you really do feel yourself again, and not "recovering from the previous relationship." Especially, wait after the holidays. This is a mad time anyway. Maybe next spring, when everything is becoming new and fresh, that would be a great time for a fresh beginning. But for now, be sure you fully settle yourself OUT of the previous relationship and into YOURSELF before you start being part of a new couple. It really is critical to the two of you becoming a good team. And with him being so patient until now, he should understand that these next few months are really important in you being on your own before deciding to join with him.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com