My Trusted Friend Slept with my Husband
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My husband has had several affairs, I recently found out that one of the women he had an affair with is his co-worker (police officer) whom I considered a friend, her and her husband have been to our home. We've gone out to dinners together. She's the one who gave me all kind of advice when I found out about (what I thought was his 2nd affair w/ a co-worker)
What would be the best way to handle this? Confront her? Tell her husband? Report her to their internal affairs dept (like she suggested I do to my husband with a different co-worker he was with)? I'm very angry, hurt & confused.
Thanks for your advice.
Wow, that is truly a double blow, I'm sorry you are going through all of that. It's hard enough to deal with a husband who keeps cheating on you - but to turn to a friend for consolation, and have her listen to your pain and then SHE cheats on you is just slime incarnate as far as I'm concerned.
I would definitely start talking to a therapist if you haven't yet already done so and make serious discussions about your marriage a priority. If you have any intention of saving it, I wouldn't say anything to his job or the husband. Just consider it one of many jerky things he has done and that you have to get through the NOW of this all and go on with your life. Making things more miserable by hammering on certain of his indiscretions won't really help.
I would make sure the other husband found out eventually but not through a direct confrontation about it.
If on the other hand you decide to call it quits with your husband (which I have to say, if this was me, I'd be heading in that direction, he slept with your friend!) then I would tell her husband. Her husband trusts you as a friend and he has a right to know. Any time someone sleeps with someone else there is a risk of sexual disease. There could be something that he now has been exposed to which could be serious for him even though it didn't affect the rest of you. There are of course deadly diseases passed by sex. He has a full right to know his health has been compromised by this. Never mind the moral or emotional issues - from a raw 'medical threat' point of view he really needs to know.
There are always slimy people in the world. Sometimes it's hard to spot them because they are good at camoflague. But when you do get trapped by one, spending time beating up on yourself is pretty silly. It is a good thing to trust someone you love. If someone takes advantage of you, you resolve the situation, move on, and find people you *can* trust.
I'd really talk with a therapist and find a direction which is best for YOU.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com