She's Waiting for the Spark
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I have been friends with a girl for 8 months now, and alhtough our friendship has recently really blossomed in the past few weeks (we speak to each other and/or spend time with each other every day), she has told me that she is not attracted to me. She told me that she was not attracted to me, and her reason was that there was no "chemistry" (I found this out from a friend)- only problem is, when Im with her I feel that sparks really fly. I do really like her as a friend, but would love it if she felt the same way about me. We have a really open and honest relationship.
I have one question - is it possible that she could become attracted to me in the future?... When we talk there is always a lot of eye contact, she will sit next to me instead of opposite me, she responds well when I call her "babe", and loved it when I sent her valentines roses (although I wrote a friendship card, not a romantic one). I fear that if she runs off with another guy, I will be severely hurt. Do you have any advice on how to win her heart?
Good for you for building up this relationship with a friendship! That is SO so important in any relationship.
I'll assume you're a teenager based on the things you've said. Many teenagers fall for the MTV view of love, that it's about 'hot studly male' going for 'sexy bodacious female' and they fall in love at first sight. Unfortunately there IS no love at first sight. There is LUST at first sight, and actually in relationships you learn that the relationships that last are the ones that are built on friendship and common concerns. The ones built on hot sex are hot ... and then fizzle when there's nothing left as the hormones cool. People get bored and moved on.
So if this girl of yours is looking for a hot Zorro / Orlando Bloom stud, she may not even recognize that the guy by her side is incredibly important. If you ask any married couple that has been together what has helped them survive that time, very few will say 'hot sex! The Clicking!' That really doesn't matter at all. What matters to people is that they can talk, that they can trust each other, that they are great friends.
So don't push her to change her mind. This is something she's going to have to learn on her own, as she matures. If you try to tell her "I'm right for you!" she's going to cling even more stubbornly to her MTV ideas. But if you are just THERE for her and show her that you are what is important in a mate - someone loving, caring, trusting - then as she moves from being a girl to being a woman, she will start to realize just what is important in life. And it's not being hot. It's about being THERE.
Maybe see a few movies with her on this theme - there are tons of movies about women who foolishly chase the stud - and realize in the end that their best friend by their side is the one worth being with.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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