I Want More than a Guy Friend Status
Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Male
My problem is how can I once again be seen as a boyfriend or long term partner rather than just a best friend by a girl I’ve known for 3 years. she was initially very attracted to me, pursued me, and we came close to having sex on a couple of occasions within the first 7 months of knowing each other. i turned it down telling her I didn’t want to risk losing the friendship (I've regretted it ever since) …She was married at the time and still is but did leave him this past October when he told her to leave. she had been threatening to for the last couple years and finally he told her to. I really don’t think she wanted to, but he called her bluff….she signed a 1 year lease and there supposed to try to work things out…its funny, she didn’t seem to want him or the marriage until he no longer wanted her or it. Is this a typical reaction from the one thats told to leave...to now want what they dint?
Anyway, she ended up moving back 1-1/2 months later. He didn’t want her to move back in…there still having problems, she knows hes doing drugs and thinks hes seeing someone.
He's never taken care of her emotionally…he's a good ole boy..his friends and himself come first. They have little to no conversation or communication, they rarely have sex and when they do she never comes and he's finished within 2-3 minutes. As for financially, its his bills are his, and hers are hers. Even the house is just in his name.
Her husband hates me and Ive always been a source of conflict between them. He has told her on many occasions that if she ever wants things to get better between them, she needs to end her friendship with me. He thinks weve been sleeping together all this time. In the past she has refused to stop seeing me…insisting to him that we are just friends. About a month ago she told him him fine…if that’s what it takes to get them back together, she’ll stop seeing me. Well she didn’t…just told him she did. She still calls me every day, we have lunch a couple times a week, and she even called me last Friday night in a whispered voice asking if I wanted to hang out with her and go to dinner and then the mall as he was going out and wouldn’t know we were together. Would a girl keep a "guy friend" in her life when her husband tells her to end the friendship or else, and by still seeing the guy friend risk her marriage? Would she do that for someone she says is just "a friend" or does she really see me as her long term future… She says she doesn’t want to risk losing what we have…and cant make any promises as to what her and I will be after her marriage is over. I've told her how I feel about her and truly believe she has a deep love for me also, but at the same time I think she is scared that if we took it further right now and it didn’t work out, not only would she lose a boyfriend but a best friend and someone that loves her enough to help her out financially when she needs it with no strings or expectation of paybacks.
Would a girl say to a guy whom she knows loves and cares for her, "were just friends...i don’t wont to ruin the friendship" but possibly be thinking of him as something more down the road when the time is right?...or is she really saying that it'll never be? Her and I have been close and she's been my best friend almost since the day we met. I've helped her both emotionally and financially, and she knows I'm in love with her and what I want eventually is a relationship. She continually invites me to family only events. Her family loves me much and treats me as one of theirs. Even last year during the holidays when she was seriously thinking about leaving her marriage, she invited me to her families thanksgiving & Christmas celebrations and did not invite her husband. He thinks we've been sleeping together for the past three years and most of her family members think were having an affair because I'm always the only one there that’s not family at the family functions.
Twice in the three years we've known each other we've parted…one time initiated by her..it lasted a month this past January…she never told me why, but she came back into my life. When she did she seemed very curious and jealous of the girl I was dating, and did her best to discourage the relationship. Most recently this past September we parted for ten days when I told her that I didn’t want to be just friends anymore…that if she ever wanted what I wanted, then call me…if not, then don’t bother as I've been there done that for too long. I eventually missed her, wrote an email of apology basically saying that she's my best friend and I realize I cant make her feel things toward me that maybe she doesn’t, and said that I want her back in my life. I called her, she said shed think about it…then four days later started our friendship back like nothing had happened. She calls me most every day 2-3 times and just a week ago 8 times in the same day.
I'm 42…been divorced for 3 1/2 years and have been with 12 different women since the divorce with three of them turning into relationships lasting 4, 6, and 9 months…
I've got a great job, great house, am attractive, and don’t have a problem getting dates or putting the move on a woman, but I cant seem to fall in love with anyone but her, and even though there is nobody in this world I want to be with more, I seem incapable of putting a move on her…I seem to be afraid that if I do, I'll lose her friendship which means a great deal in my life…HELP ME!! She doesn’t drink so I cant even lower her inhibitions with that!! What can I do to get her to again (if she doesn’t already) see me as a boyfriend, sex partner, or potential husband. Do I continue to be there for her and let time take its course or do I try to again force the issue by leaving her life until she wants what I want?....tell me what to do PLEASE!!!
I've included a few things below which might help you understand the "whole relationship" and why I believe that its much more than "just a friendship" and that all I need to know is how to bring it to the next level…Tell me if after reading all this, I know its a lot, but thanks so much for reading it and responding back to me…I've looked for books on the subject but cant seem to really find something that fits my situation. Tell me if you think her feelings for me are genuine, and what do I need to do to get her. Or if you think that she has no interest and I'm being played. Please respond as soon as possible.
Good god almighty. This lady is MARRIED and you are trying to get advice on how to sleep with her? Look, obviously she would be divorced if she wanted to be. The only reason she left him once is because he kicked her out. She went back again. She is using you as a safety net. You are letting yourself be used. Think very clearly about this. If she is capable on cheating on her current husband with you, then she will be JUST as capable of cheating on you with someone else as soon as things get "boring". You fool yourself if you think hubby is pure evil and that you are perfect and things will be 100% different if you could be with her. It never works like that.
I would really call a break here. If she wants to be with you, it is completely in her control. She is chosing NOT to be with you, just to string you along. You need to move on and find a woman who is actually free.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com