I'm Upset that she isn't Totally Innocent
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
Hi, I've been in a relationship with my FIRST girlfriend for just over 5 months now. I am her first boyfriend as well, but early on in our relationship she told me that she had an "emotionally attached" type of relationship with another guy just after she turned 16.
The thing that bothered me about this, was that the guy she was dating/seeing at the time never became her boyfriend, she was with him for about 4 months and lost her virginity to him. She shared 2 days of intimacy with him, once in april and once in may of that year. After the second encounter she told him that she didn't feel ready for it at that point in her life and didn't want to do it anymore. Eventually she they broke up because although he loved her, he had a previous girlfriend that he loved as well and got back with.
I found out all this information through our extremely honest and direct answers to each other. We had developed a strong bond and trust in each other early on in our relationship. Although I'm real happy that she trusted me enought to share that information with me, it has been haunting me ever since.. I guess you could say that it's a case of "Too Much Information". I learned about a lot of intimiate details that they went through from the "2 days of intimacy" and I must say that it bothers me terribly.. I mean it really bothered me for the first 2 months.. then it kinda of just haunted me through the first 4 months.. And now it just bothers me every now and then, (just tends to pop in my head, some kind of mental picture of them being together)..
I've never met the guy and don't really care about him.. I guess to me, I'm just bothered by the fact that she shared such an intimate and sacred moment with someone that wasn't even her boyfriend.
I love her so much and am trying to find out how to get over this.. I mean I haven't really been thinking about it too much lately, its just that sometimes the thought or idea pops into my head.. Any help or advice you could share with me would be great!
I understand that I have to accept everything about her if I truly love her and that all her past events have made her who she is today, the person I love... But I guess I'm just wondering why I'm still bothered or haunted by those thoughts.. I personally feel that it's because I love her so much, think so highly of her, and cherish her so much that I just can't believe that she would do something like..
She even said herself that she didn't know why she did it, that she didn't love him (just liked him a lot, was something about how he carried himself) and that she regrets it and feels stupid.
I myself have had intimate encounters with other ladies that I regret having.. so I guess its wrong of me to hold this "double standard" with her, but I don't care about myself.. I consider her to be more precious than me. I would die for her and I love her so much. I gave her a "Forever" ring last december and we promised to marry each other after she graduates from college.
I guess I just need some help in getting over this. I just wanted to make clear that it's not the guy that i have a problem with.. It's the fact that she did something with someone that wasn't even her boyfriend, someone she didn't love... and I guess it just does bug me, because i know her so well now, and its just hard to believe she would ever do anything like that.. But I guess that experience taught her to be who she is today.. and I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her. Sorry for the long post! :) I just need some help, thanks so much!
This really is something you have to get over. This is in her past. It doesn't matter why she did it, we all do silly things when we were younger. She isn't a car that you bought. She's a human being that has a lot of history. You have to accept all of that, the bad, the good, the high and low. Heck, there are a ton of men and women out there who are dating divorced people - i.e. people who were married and having sex every night. It's the way the world works. We are all human beings that have pasts.
I have a ton of tips on the site about jealousy. Read them, work through the tips, and learn to accept this part of her past. It's just something she did, and now she is with you. All that really matters is what she does with you.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com