I Want More Intimacy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating a nice guy for a year now. It all started nicely until I found out he was doing pot and gambling. He went to rehab but it didn't work... it got worse. So I broke up with him during the summer.
He got help and miraculously with the help of hypnotism he left his addictions and is doing great. We then got back together. He keeps saying I am the good thing in his life and he says I love you all the time.
The problem now is that our sex is down, he barely touches me and we do it once a week. He hugs all the time and likes to cuddle in the morning and night. I talked to him and he says it will change. I dont know what to do.
Meanwhile he watches pornography and he has some sites on the internet. Is he been honest with me? Or is he just with me because he feels confortable and I am a nice girl? His family loves me and he even has our picture in his office. Should I just been patient?
Most relationships start out full of lust and hormones raging. Most relationships then mellow into a mature love that has best friendship as the defining part. If the relationship tried to keep up the high octane level of lust and passion, it would burn itself out. Also most men as they age lose their libido over time. That's why those ads for viagra are all over TV. You can't expect a guy to keep performing at age 18 level for his entire life!
Lots of couples are quite happy with once a week levels for intimacy. Heck, many couples have less than that. You can't go into this relationship expecting things will change somehow in the future. You need to accept things the way they are. If you keep pressuring him on "you're not performing well enough for me", he's going to feel inadequate and that will make things even worse. It's probably not like he can help it. His libido level is his libido level. It's up to you to figure out if this is something you can live with or if you are going to abandon a good guy just because you want more sex.
However, each of us only has X amount of energy a week we can use on our tasks. If he is actually watching pornography to the level that he's "using up his energy" on it, that is highly unfair. If he is in a relationship with you, he should be using that energy on you. If he is neglecting you and pleasing himself, that's not right. If you feel that's the case, it's time to have a talk with him. You don't mind him watching pornography as long as it doesn't impact your relationship with him. But if it IS he needs to find a different solution. Heck maybe he can watch it with you to get him in the mood.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com