My Boyfriend and his First Love

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
me and my bf have been together for about 4 months, we're doing really good, and we're extremely close because we grew up together. so anyways... i know that he's had a few serious gf's already.. him and this one girl went out for about 2 years, they were very serious.. but they broke up. shes 2 years older than him.. and im 2 years younger than him. guys like "the older woman" right? well they hadn't seen eachother in almost 2 years! until 2 days ago where they met by coincidence, and now im really scared that he's going to start getting feelings for her, and i know that deep down, deep deep down he still loves her. i know that they were first loves, and thats KILLS me! and the fact that shes older haunts me! altho he doesnt say it or show it.. i know he still cares about her. he kinda knows whats going on in her life still and even shows some concern.

Me and him are really open about our previous relationships, and i know what he went thru with her, they went thru alot together! and im positive that they still love eachother.. not in love together. i know that he loves me, and i love him so much too! but i get so tormented when i think about them... i know i shouldnt but its hard not to. i know that im insecure... and i think that the reason for that is just knowing that he shared soemthing with someone else that we might never have. i dont know her, and i've never seen her but apparently she's very pretty! sometimes i get upset thinking that they might get back together one day because they have history together. like i said.. she's the 'older experienced mature woman; whereas im just 'the crazy teen trying to get through high school' ...

i know that they had their issues, but maybe if they talked things thru. there would be hope for them. but if things were good between them. and if i were to ask him to choose between me and her.. im scared to think that he would choose her. it breaks my heart to know that he's MY fist love.. and that SHE was his first love. and visa versa.

what's comforting is to know that he's with me, and that now we're together. but he's always going to have a part of her with him, and she's always going to have a part of him.and deep down.. they'll always love eachother. i only wish i could break that because i dont want to know that! me and him are sleeping together. and i know that i shouldn't do this.. but i picture him and her sleeping together...i substitute my body with hers. and if he loves me as much as he loved her... he adored her!

i dont know what im trying to ask. i think this was just venting.. but it's obvious that i need some advice. thank you Advice
Every human being has a history. You undoubtedly loved other boys as you grew up. Who is to say that a love at 16 is valid and a love at 4 is invalid? Every love is valid for its own reasons. It is really unfair to say that a partner should be completely blank, with no past at all. We all have histories. We all have pasts. This is what makes us human, what makes us individuals. This is a very good thing. It is this past and history and texture that makes us unique and meaningful. You should treasure that your boyfriend is the way he is, instead of wishing he was some sort of android without any past feelings at all.

Yes, he has a past. He now chooses to be with you. You need to trust and accept and love that. You can't spend your life obsessing about potential threats.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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