My Jealousy Drove Him Away

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Please help me my finance left me 4 days ago. We have been together nearly 3 years and engaged and living together for 2 years. I am 32 and he is 38 years old. I have two children but never married and he has 1 child and was married before. He is now divorced.

Our relationship was perfect except for my jealousy. It has been like it almost right from the beginning when I found a letter in his car which he had wrote to his ex wife when they split which was before we even met. He was with his wife for 15 years which I find hard to handle and in this letter he wrote there love must have been special and he will never love anyone like he did her! I have never got this letter out of my head. He has told me many times that the letter didnt mean anything. At the time he wrote it he was confused and upset having to leave his son and his feelings were mixed up. He tells me that he loves me much more than he ever did his ex wife and he was young when he met her and he is more mature now and knows what he wants in life. He says he wants to marry me and have future with me.

But that letter still remains in my head and I am so jealous of her. I see her alot because she lives near me and I feel sick with jealousy when I see her. I suppose I think shes better than me. I just think he will never love me like he did her mainly cos they were together a long time and got married and had child together. I worry when he talks to her or sees her cos I worry he still fancies her. I worry what he thinks when he sees her. I even get jealous of things they did together like holidays they went on. He cant talk about them things to me because I will just get too jealous.

My jelous has drove him mad because all I do all the time is accuse him of things and ask him questions. If he picks his son up I go on at him asking if she said anyhing. The thought of them chatting and getting on drives me mad.
My jealousy makes me angry and I go mad at him and shout alot and say some horrible things to him about himself and her. She cheated on him so I bring that up all the time because I want him to hate her.

He has left me before and said he just needs to get away from the situation before I drive him mad and before we end up hating each other. He came back after 2 days because I promised to change. I was ok for for a while but then my jealousy began again.

Then at the weekend I was really bad and for some reason I was really jealous and I was really horrible to him.The thing is he gives me no reason to be jealous so I dont know why I am. He left 4 days ago. He said he still loves me and dont want to leave but he feels he has got to because he will end up mad like me. He said I need to sort myself out and he needs time on his own. He said he would ring me and maybe take me out in the week and see what happens from there for the long term. Before he left he kissed me and said Dont forget I love you!

I have been crying ever since and cant sleep or eat. I just cant bear to be away from him. It is so lonely here without him. He only took a few clothes so there are alot of things here to remind me of him. I regret the way I have been and just want him back here where he belongs. He has rang me every night since he left and tells me he loves me but he is still not ready to come back. He talking about staying away for few months. He dont belive I can change overnignt and he thinks if he comes back now thing will just go back to how they were. But I dont want to feel this pain anymore. I know if he came back I would have to change because I cant bear to loose him again. I would try my hardeset. I have already made an appointment to see a thearpist.

The thing Im so scared of is he will meet someone else while he is away from me and I know if that happened I could never go back to him. How will I know he hasnt been with another girl while he has been away? He has also had his son while he has been away so hate the thought he has seen his ex wife while we are going through bad time.

I dont belive in breaks. I think it is a easy way out and Im so scared the longer he is away from me the harder it will be for him to come back and he will end our relationship.

I just want him to come back so we can start again and sort it. I feel its easier to sort it while we are together than apart but he does not agree.
He asked to see me on sunday and I said would he come and stay with me for the weekend has my children are going away and I will be by myself so he said yes even though he is not ready to come back probley yet. So he is coming in the morning.

I am so nervous because I know this is my chance to prove myself to him and to explain how I feel and how I will change and improve things but where do I start? I am hoping so much that at the end of the weekend he would have decided to stay for good and we can start again but im so scared he will still need more time and I will be so upset when he goes again at the end of the weekend after we have had such a good time and been so close to each other.

Please help me!!! What can I do to stop my jealousy and to prove to him I willl change and what can I do to win him back?? This is the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Please reply as soon as possible because he is coming in the morning and this is my last chance!!!!!! Advice
This is probably the prime example of how destructive jealousy can be. This woman is out of his life! He clearly left her behind and chose to be with you! And let you are going to let the fact that he has a past destroy your entire future with him.

There is no way that you can "quick fix" this and he was very wise to call it quits for a while here. All relationships that last are founded on trust. You do NOT trust him at all. You are trying to base a relationship on quicksand. If you don't trust him after 3 years, you aren't going to trust him if you married him! You would just have even MORE to lose and would be even more insecure and jealous.

You really need to talk with a therapist and work on this alone. Yes, when you are more strong, you can start dating him again. But in the meantime, if you completely drive him insane, you are going to lose ALL chance of every being with him. You do not want to burn out the last patience he has before you get a handle on this.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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