He Seems to be Cheating
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. Recently it's been getting a little rocky, and more and more often he's been talking about a female co-worker of his. Almost on a regular basis now. He admited to me about 4 days ago he had takin a small liking to her and then he found out she liked him. Supposedly the "liking" ceased there.
Since then, he's called her twice, he's says to apologize, and he's been alone with her. I've asked him numberous times if he kissed her. And he swears no. But last night after he admitted to speaking to her alone in the back of his work place, he started talking weird about how love is bullshit and he became very passionate and sex orientated saying sex is probably 75% of a relationship. He also was very relunctant to tell me that he spoke with her in the first place and that him telling me he liked her was a mistake because i got very upset and unnerved.
Also when i tried to play "our song" he got upset and didn't want to listen to it, then was playing those famous sexual love raps. Not to mention he is 24 and I'm 17.
I'm really hurt and confused what to believe. He says he's always honest. But somehow i'm doubting that right now. Should I speak with this female coworker? Or should i move on. I really am in love with him. and I definatly want the least hurt possible, as impossible as it may be. Please help me...I really dont know what to do.
Sex is definitely NOT 75% of a relationship. Sex is what drives LUST and what draws people together. But it is NOT what holds a relationship together. If anything, sex and lust is what sticks people together at first and as soon as it dissolves away after a few months, the couple realizes they have nothing else left and fight until they break up.
It sounds like he has gone through the lust stage with you and settled into a mature love, which is more quiet and able to weather the years. That is of course a GOOD thing. But then it sounds like this girl at work has gotten his hormones going again and he's feeling that rush of lust. And he's thinking "Oh this lust feels good! That's what I want!" But of course he isn't realizing that if he DID run off with this girl, that after 9 months when he settles down with her, he's going to be in the exact same situation again. Lust doesn't last forever. Your high hormone reactions are not a long term thing. If he is just going to abandon ship every 9 months to find a new, hot chick, he is going to end up miserable and alone.
Sure, he might not have kissed her yet. But he is definitely allowing himself to get lured to this girl and neglecting you. What he isn't realizing is that cheating is about your MIND. It isn't necessarily about the actual deed. A honest boyfriend would have stayed away from her because he realized it was a danger to the relationship to hang around with her. Instead he kept playing with fire. And just about anybody can tell you, if you deliberately hang around with a bad temptation, and then give into it, it is YOUR fault for putting yourself into that situation. So here he has a commitment to you. He is supposed to be putting you first! But instead he starts hanging around with her, wanting her, lusting after her. Then obviously this hurts his relationship with you and he's going "Jeez it's not MY fault". But HE is the one betraying the relationship and if he decides to break up with you because he is now in lust with this other chick, that is also his own fault.
If he doesn't know these things after 9 months, maybe it's not worth trying to teach him them. I would suggest going to a therapist with him to get his head on straight. But if he really is so selfish that he's going to chase any new girl that comes along, he's going to leave a string of broken hearts behind him as he keeps abandoning the current girlfriend. And he's going to end up alone because no girl is going to trust him.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com