I Want to be Friends with my Ex
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
It's been about a year since my ex and I broke up, and I am not looking to gain her back in a relationship sense, however, I do want to try and rebuild the friendship I thought we once had.
When we broke up, I was not sure that being friends was the best thing for me. I was worried that if we continued to hang out a lot, or see each other too often, I would begin to miss the relationship and would essentially be causing myself more pain than anything. Obviously she was the one who left, so at the time, it wasn't something that I was able to handle very well. I was very open and honest about how I felt, and when asked if I wanted to be friends, I said, "yes, but I don't think it's a very good idea for me so I can't." I had a tendency to think the residual feelings were completely gone when they really weren't, so I went back and forth a couple times about whether or not I could be friends with her.
She too was very inconsistent with her words to me of what she wanted, and now is basically saying that she doesn't want to ever talk again. She even tried very hard to make me feel jealous by telling me she was dating someone else, when she really wasn't.
Without going into great detail of the past year, I just wanted to get someone else's opinion if I am wrong in trying to email her and trying to rebuild that friendship. Am I just wasting my time in not letting things go and just forgetting about it? I feel it's the right thing to do since my conscious doesn't like the way I let things happen between us and not being ok with being friends right off the bat. I feel that I am causing more pain to myself by trying to be friends or at least aquiantences. I have plenty of friends, so it's not like I "need" her as a friend, I guess I just feel bad for not just putting my feelings aside in the beginning and trying to be friends so now I would like to rectify that.
It's very normal for both of you to have taken a big break after breaking up, to get a handle on your feelings and emotions. Most people are NOT friends again immediately, because the feelings of love and pain and hurt are all still too fresh.
If she's actively lying to you to hurt you, that's really not a good sign. As much as you might have dreams about having a long term friendship with her, friendship is something that two people who respect each other can maintain. If she's lying and trying to hurt you, that's not exactly the person to persue a friendship with.
Yes, it's common for people to want to be friends with each other after they break up. Most of the time it's a great idea! You guys had things in common before you began the romance, so those same things should still be there. It's a shame to "waste" all that time you spent together by never speaking again. But on the other hand, people do change sometimes. And if someone is actively going to be a harmful part of your life, it's time to accept that and go on.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com