My Husband is a Habitual Liar
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My husband of one year has lied through our entire 3 yr. relationship. I found out last month that he was never a navy seal, never belonged to MENSA, never went to Rutgers, that he lied on his resume, etc...oh you can only imagine.
We started counseling and the counselor says I need to get over my anger. Is this crazy? Am I wrong in wanting to end this relationship? He posed to be someone he is not. That is too scary for me.
p.s. I have a 5 year old little girl.
Wow this guy really sounds like lying is his entire life! And the therapist told YOU to get over your anger? Trust is the most important cornerstone of any relationship. It's bad enough getting over ONE cheating affair where you have to learn to rebuild your trust. Now you are trying to get over a situation where EVERYTHING he told you was one gigantic lie. And if lying is really such a core, central part of his being, just how is he suddenly going to "get better" and never lie again? This is going to be a long, slow, tedious process to retrain him to act in a more honest manner.
Yes, you need to eventually deal with the anger. There's no way you could maintain a happy relationship and be angry for the rest of your life. But that anger is a normal reaction!! And he deserves it. When a guy has cheated on his wife, the therapist usually doesn't say "OK wife, get over it and move on". Hopefully this therapist is explaining to him why the lying was such a destructive thing to do and how it has caused a lot of harm that HE now has to work hard to repair. He's the one who caused the harm after all.
If the emphasis isn't 90% on HIM rebuilding this trustworthiness and 10% you working to get through the anger, I might talk to another therapist, just to get a second opinion. This is going to be an amazing amount of work for him, to reconstruct how he handles his life. If the therapist isn't being very up front with him about that, then he won't change, and you'll be stuck with a liar for the rest of your life. Or, I suppose, he won't change and you will leave him, have to rebuild your ability to trust on your own and then find another guy who you are willing to take a chance on.
In any case, if he doens't make a serious effort to reform, I would seriously talk with a separate therapist about your own choices. You've only been with him a year. I know there are serious emotions involved here but in the grand scheme of things a year is a VERY short period of time. If you found someone else who you could trust 100% with you and your daughter's lives, and were with him for 50 happy years together, this one year of "mistake" would be a mere drop in the bucket in comparison.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com