She Lost her Job - She's Becoming Distant

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Am I just freaking out or is it really over?

I need some serious advice here. I've been dating this girl for about 4 months and things are on the rocks but I'm not really sure what's going on. We met on the Net, hit it off REALLY quickly and have been hanging out 2-3 times a week since. Earlier this month, she seemed kind of distant at times -- when we were walking once in a while she seemed to be avoiding being at my side -- but other times she was as sweet as ever.

Well, weekend before xmas she lost her job -- it was an ugly situation that she knew was coming because of some problems with the company. I was on a trip to Tennessee and I was calling her and she didn't call back at all and I was getting worried. Finally I talked to her and she said she was sick and that's why she didn't call me back, told me about losing her job, etc. Well I made it home later that weekend, she said she was still sick. I met her parents for the first time a week ago Sunday and she still seemed kind of distant so I went home and gave her some space. She came over the next night, still being kind of mean, and still wouldn't let me kiss her full-on, maintaining the sickness thing. The next night, she came over again and was a bit warmer, yet told me she had bad news and informed me she wasn't going to Arizona with me next week. This I understood -- she lost her job, has very little money and would be likely stressed out the whole time. In fact, the only reason I asked her to come on the trip was because I didn't want her to feel left out, and I really tried to make sure she wanted to go before we bought the tickets.

Then I asked her if everything was OK, and she came sort of clean, telling me no, she wasn't sure, it could be the stress from losing the job or could be something else and she just needed me to back off. I was upset, but cool with that. So she left and I tried to keep myself from freaking out. She sent me a text message on Xmas Eve saying hi and that she missed me. No phone calls though. So I talked with my friends and family and decided to tell her that I loved her and whatever time she needed, she could have. I did, and she revealed to me that my pot-smoking disturbed her despite what she had told me numerous times. I accepted that and said I could try to change and wanted to make the relationship work. She asked me to come over, then called back five minutes later and said she needed more time and to call her on Sunday. The next day, her birthday, there had been plans to go out for dinner and such before all this happened. I called her midday, wished her happy birthday and, following the advice of a friend, asked her if she wanted to get together just to talk. She said to call her Sunday. Well I worked Sunday, she said she went to her parents. After work I called and said I was just checking if she still wanted to talk. She never called back. I started to get angry, and suspicious. She knew I was going to call. Even if she didn't want to talk, she could have at least had the courtesy to call me back. So I did a stupid thing ... I went over her house to see if her car was there. It was. I tried not to freak out. I called her a little later and she said she had just gotten home from her parents a half-hour earlier and was already in bed. It seemed plausible, but I am highly suspicious. I asked her if she wanted to end it, and she said again that she needed more time and that she would call me today.

I am trying to respect my girlfriend and give her time to deal with the siutation. Here's my main problem: I don't think she bought me a Christmas present. (I'm not positive. She could have decided to forget about the present after our discussion two days before Xmas.) I bought her two very nice presents, one $200 bracelet for Xmas and a basketball jersey she wanted for her birthday. She knew I was buying her a present and when I asked her if I should return it, she said yes and that she was sorry. I'm afraid that the fact that she didn't get me one signals that we were much farther apart then I thought, even while she was sleeping with me. I mean, she hasn't even said Merry Christmas to me once.

Maybe I'm stifling her. Maybe I'm freaking out. Maybe I'm putting too much weight on the whole holiday thing and should just let her take all the time she needs. But I don't want to be a doormat and I'm not sure if I can be with somebody that would shut a person out of their lives on the holidays. Should I just break up with her or should I just take a deep breath, relax and give it a few weeks? If I truly love her as much as I think I do, I certainly think the relationship deserves that much. And am I wrong to think that she would just break up with me if she was given the chance? Advice
People shouldn't have to buy presents for each other. So I wouldn't judge anything by that. She's under a ton of stress because of the job situation. I would be patient and give her time to settle down from that whole situation. You're putting a lot of emphasize on all of the little details of what is going on, when most likely she just is super stressed out over being unemployed and simply isn't thinking straight right now.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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