She's Fooling Around

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl who said she was a virgin. i found out yesterday from her dad that she wasn't (he called me thinking it was me who took it away from her). so she calls later that night because she knows her dad found out and that he called me and all that jazz, i ask her if it's true that she's not a virgin and she says it's true. she told me the whole story in two situations, one while we were falling for each other and another while we've been doing this long distance relationship. both cases were with guys she didn't really know.

we said we would do it when she came to live with me later this year, she couldn't leave till then because of school. but now i feel really betrayed, yet at the same time i can't help but love her just as much as i have the last 15 months.

we have an amazing relationship but this really put a dent in it, and now i don't know if she'll be able to control herself in the same situations it happened in before. i've been able to contain myself all this time, why couldn't she? Does this mean that i'm not worth the wait? she said the whole thing with getting wtih the other guys was just to fill the gap from not being wtih me... is that normal?.... i really need some help, i love her but don't know what to do. Advice
I know you love her, but love needs to be tied to trust. It's not just that she slept around not once but twice. It's that she lied to you. What was she going to say the first time YOU slept with her and she didn't bleed? "Oh I went horseback riding"? What if she'd caught a sexual disease from one of those 2 guys she didn't even really know, and now infected you with it? She'd visit you in the hospital and say "Oh sorry honey"?

If you can't trust someone to be honest with you, there's no way you can maintain a relationship with them. How do you know, every time they're out of your site, if they are now betraying you? She's already shown that she has little self control. Lots of women wait until they are MARRIED before they have sex for the first time, never mind until they can just see their boyfriend. So what happens when you go back home? She sleeps around some more? What happens if you guys do marry but she gets bored? She sleeps around? And of course she doesn't tell you because we know she lies to cover things she's done, because her own happiness is more important than being honest with you.

I know it's harsh but the most important thing in love is communication and honesty. That is the ONLY thing that matters. Anything else can be overcome. If you can't trust the person you're with, there's no foundation on which to build anything else. And as much as you can dream and hope and wish for someone to change, the key to love is to see someone for what they really are, with open eyes.

I would really sit down with her IN PERSON and get this resolved. Either she is in it 100% or it's not going to work. And she is the one who has to reprove herself, because she is the one who has let you both down - many times.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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