My Husband Surfed the Web - So I Slept Around
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 6 YRS NOW. EARLIER THIS YEAR I FOUND OUT THAT MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME. HE STARTED BY LOOKING FEMALE PROFILES FROM DATING SERVICES. HE APOLOGIZED FOR EVERYTHING HE DID. BUT HE SAID HE NEVER MET ANYONE IN PERSON. AND THAT HE ONLY DID IT WHEN I WENT TO VISIT MY PARENTS FOR 2 WEEKS. HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE DID IT. HE THINKS HE WAS JUST BORED OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE I WASN'T THERE PRESENT.
AFTER SO MANY MONTHS, WE ARGUED AND MY TRUST WASN'T OBVIOUSLY THERE. I TRIED TO DO THE BEST TO TRUST HIM AND TRIED TO WORK WITH HIM IN OUR RELATIONSHIP BUT INSTEAD HE JUST PUSHED ME AWAY AND WHEN I ASKED HIM IF WE COULD GO TO THERAPY TO SEE IF THINGS WOULD GET BETTER... HE GOT INSULTED AND HE SAID HE WASN'T CRAZY AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.
AFTER THINGS GOT REALLY BAD AND PHYSICAL...HE FINALLY DECIDED TO GO TO THERAPY WITH ME. AND IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING NOW. HE SAYS HE NEVER THOUGHT THAT HE HAD A PROBLEM OF LYING AND BEING ABUSIVE AND AMONG OTHER THINGS. HE'S SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS HE DID TO ME. HE'S NICER TO ME NOW. AND I SEE THAT HE'S TRYING HIS BEST TO MAKE IT UP TO ME.
BUT I FEEL THAT IT'S TOO LATE NOW. MY FEELINGS FOR HIM ARE NOT THE SAME. NOW I DON'T CARE IF HE CALLS ME FROM WORK OR NOT OR JUST ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. WHEN WE ARE INTIMATE, IT'S JUST SEX, NOT LOVE. I DON'T FEEL ALIVE ANYMORE. AND THE THOUGHT OF LEAVING HIM CROSSES MY MIND. BUT I SEE HE'S TRYING HARD TO WORK THIS RELATIONSHIP AND THAT JUST PULLS ME BACK AND I FEEL THAT IF I LEAVE HIM ...IT WOULD BE A BIG MISTAKE.
RECENTLY I WENT TO SEE MY PARENTS AGAIN BACK EAST. WHILE I WAS THERE, AN OLD FRIEND OF MIND CONTACTED ME. MY FRIEND AND I ALWAYS KEEP IN TOUCH... JUST LIKE I KEEP IN TOUCH WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS AND FAMILY. ANYWAY, HE AND ANOTHER 2 FEMALE FRIENDS ARE, WHAT I CONSIDER, REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. I KNOW I CAN TRUST THEM AND THEY'LL GIVE ME ALL THEIR SUPPORT AND VICE VERSA.
WELL, DURING THE LAST FEW DAYS OF MY VISIT I DECIDED TO SEE MY FRIEND THAT WAS NEAR BY. HE KNEW EVERYTHING WITH MY HUSBAND. HE AND I SPENT TIME TOGETHER AND NEVER TOUCH THE SUBJECT OF MY MARRIAGE. I REALLY HAD A GREAT TIME WITH HIM. WE ENDED UP BEING INTIMATE. I FELT RELIEVED AND GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. WE DIDN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING. WE JUST SHARED A SWEET TIME TOGETHER.
WHEN I CAME BACK HOME WITH MY HUSBAND. I WAS STILL FEELING THE SAME TOWARDS MY HUSBAND. NOT MUCH FEELINGS. JUST THE FEELINGS OF HURTING HIM IF I LEFT HIM. I KNOW WHAT I DID IS WRONG. BUT FOR SOME REASON I DON'T REGRET ANYTHING OF WHAT I DID WITH MY FRIEND. I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS BECAUSE I KNOW MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME BEFORE AND WE'RE EVEN NOW. OR BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I STILL CARE FOR MY HUSBAND. BUT I DON'T THINK I LOVE HIM ANYMORE OR AT LEAST MY LOVE IS NOT THE SAME. THE ONLY THING THAT IS MAKING ME STAY WITH HIM IS BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO STAY AND HE SAYS HE LOVES ME AND THAT'LL HE DO ANYTHING TO KEEP ME.
WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST FOR ME TO DO?
Wait a minute - all your husband did was go looking at web site entries. He didn't even meet anybody. Yes, he shouldn't have been out on dating sites, but he didn't actually go and do anything. He never put your health at risk.
In return, while you are in the middle of therapy and supposedly focussed 100% on each other and making this work, you go out and sleep with someone else. Now you have exposed not only yourself to a huge health risk, but also your husband, who you are actively lying to and betraying. And you don't feel the slightest bit guilty about this betrayal. What if this friend was a passive carrier of a sexual disease? What if you now gave it to your husband and he got seriously ill? Would you say "ooops, sorry"?
If you are so far gone that you can sleep with another man and think it's justified, then your husband DESERVES someone else. The whole point of his love is that he wants a long term loving relationship. He doesn't want you to be out cuckolding him! He is proving to you daily that he is worthy of your trust and you are in return showing him that you are not worth the effort.
Tell him the truth, take responsibility for your actions, and let him find someone else who is willing to put in the time and effort necessary to make a relationship really work. He doesn't deserve a part-time love. He deserves a full time wife.
No relationship is perfect. In your next relationship, you will probably need to find a new way of dealing with the hurdles that *all* relationships meet in the decades they last, when they are truly strong. Giving up and fooling around isn't a good solution.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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