Dreaming Of the Young Love
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm from the Bronx in NYC.
I recently realized what a dummy I am for not getting back with my first love from when I was 14 when I had the chance.
I made a big mistake thinking that it was not the right choice for me. I told her ďnoĒ at the time b/c I was not sure and didn't think it was fair to her to commit without being 100% sure.
Now, almost a year later, I realize it was the biggest mistake of my life. I never fell out of love with her over the years. I spent every day since that time wondering if I made the right choice. We always stayed in contact since we were 14, on and off, and at time it looked like we were meant to be since we were always in each other's lives.
But then when the day came when we were both single again, I had my opportunity; she apologized for past wrongdoing and said she still loved me. We both were each other's best loves ever in all our years. She still is to me to this day.
I need to tell her how wrong I was. I know its probably too late, but I can't go on not speaking to her. We stopped talking to each other shortly after I said no.
I made some mistakes with her over the years and want to try to make things right before its too late.
Iím thinking about driving up to her school in Geneva, NY, a 5+ hour drive from the Bronx to tell her I canít live w/out her. But Iím worried she has moved on with her life. I know at this point I would have given it my best effort to if I was her.
But still, I have to at least try.
Is there any advice you can give me?
She is my first and best love I have ever had in my life. We first fell in love when we were 14 in high school and now at 20...I still hold on to that love deeply and miss her more than anything. I need to tell her I was wrong for telling her to wait...I need to tell her she completes me, that she always did...and that I love her.
Most of us have that young love dream that we remember fondly as the years go on. There's a reason for that. When you're young, you don't have many complex needs or worries, you don't have jobs and chores, plans to achieve, taxes to pay, bills to keep track of. So those loves are very uncluttered with much of reality. They're like Disney romance stories where there are fun good times and few bad times.
The issue with those relationships is that they are special BECAUSE you were young. It'd be like if you went back to summer camp now as an adult with your adult friends. It wouldn't be the same experience as it was when you were 8. Because YOU were a different person at age 8. It's not better or worse, but it WILL be different because you are an adult.
There's a reason that just about everyone breaks up with their sweethearts when they were 14 and 15. It's because the relationship wasn't meant to last. Obviously you guys broke up. And when you had the chance again, you didn't date her. You say now that was a mistake, but you had doubts at the time so it was NOT a mistake. You should not plow ahead into something that you are hesitant about "just because". You shouldn't try to imagine that the fantasy you constructed about a relationship you had when you were barely getting into dating will necessarily carry through into what two adults with much different outlooks on life will do. And again, you guys broke up once and did not hook up later on. If you were truly perfect for each other and there was no question, neither would have happened. So there WERE issues and questions and concerns. You can't just ignore those now in pursuit of a fantasy. You need to be very honest with yourself about what is going on.
Are you sure you really are after her as she is NOW, as an adult? Or are you treasuring that memory of what she was at age 14 when she was young and innocent? You are clinging to a past love - but all you talk about is that old love and not about the person she is today which is a far different, more mature human being. You're single, maybe you're lonely. A lot of people go back to those lost youthful loves when they don't have someone around currently, because it is always easier to try to dream of revitalizing an old love (which is seen through rosy colored glasses) rather than start anew with someone else.
I'm not saying NOT to go talk to her. But I'm saying that I really don't get any sense here that you are being realistic or honest with yourself about the situation. If you go to her and say "I have been making mistakes all my life" that will emphasize it even more. You were NOT making mistakes. You were doing what was right for you given the situation you were in. You broke up with her because you guys weren't happy. You can't just dismiss those realities. It's only by being fully honest with her - that you did have your ups and downs, that you broke up for a reason, that you didn't date her later for a reason but that you are NOW ready to make this work - that you have a chance of it working. But you must be crystal clear that what you want to do is start NOW with dating the woman she is NOW. Yes, you knew each other before. But it is what you are both NOW that is critical.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com