I'm Really Not Interested in my GirlfriendVisitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I've been with my girlfriend (now fiance) for over two years. There are times that I feel nothing but complete love for her, but the majority of the time I feel bored and disinterested. I don't want to listen to what she has to say about her day or what is going on in her life. I don't even want to kiss her or be with her. I've never been the type of person that likes to talk much, but I've never had any problems listening until the past six months. I love her very much and am getting married to her later this year. She always tells me she loves me and leaves sweet messages for me. I sometimes even get annoyed when she tells me she loves me or kisses because she does it so often (often by my perception). I talked to her and told her this and she tries to be less "lovey" but why should she be less "lovey"? When I am in those times, few and far between, I show her more love than she imagined I ever could. I write her songs, tell her I love her, and generally I feel like that if nothing else was going right in my life, I wouldn't care because she is with me and she could talk all night and I want to listen to every word. I want to give her the love I have for her all the time. I know this causes stress in our relatoinship, especially on my end when I am in a cold mode. Why am I so hot/cold?
It's very normal for people to have moods, and to move between wanting cuddliness and attention over to wanting space and quiet. Everybody has their own level of swings, the amount of time in each stage, etc. We all have different tolerances for contact. It could just be that yours are lower than hers, so that she 'smothers' you without meaning to, and you need time distant from her to recover. Then when you've recovered, you want her affection again, she gives you an overdose, and you're back away again.
This is really something you should work out before you get married, though. It's not going to get better - if anything it's going to get worse because now it'll seem like you have no choice but to be near her all the time. You're two very different sorts of people - she might be perfectly fine with a very cuddly person, and you might be perfectly fine with a more aloof woman. But because you want to try to make it work with each other, you'll have to work harder than most couples would.
Ask her if she'd be willing to go see a counsellor, to talk the situation over, and find a way you both can relate to each other that makes both of you happy.
If you start talking about it now, it'll save you a ton of stress especially in the next few months as you count down towards the wedding. It's really better to start talking about this now, instead of letting it build to the exploding point in a few months or years.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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