I Want Kids - We Never Have Sex
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I am currently separated from my husband of 5 years. I love him but not sure that I am in love with him. We are awesome friends and were before we got married - it has become a friend marriage without sex.
Anyway, to complicate things further, an ex-boyfriend has contacted me after 10 years. Yes, 10 years. We always were good friends. We dated staedy in college and even a year afterwards, but, ultimately I believe distance ended our relationship because I returned home to Florida and he remained in Virginia. He and I today email each other and have talked on the telephone once or twice. I can tell he still has feelings for me but he is respectful that I'm married. He is still single.
I am unhappy in my marriage and believe it may be over - even before my college ex contacted me. My husband & I are trying counseling but not sure what will ultimately happen. Maybe I never got over my college ex either.
I'm so confused. My husband and I were in love when we married but unfortunately our relationship has become sexless and has been that way for quite some time now. I'm 34 and want true happiness and not settle for just content. I also want children and afraid that one day soon I will be too old. I'm afraid to leave my husband for I'm afraid to hurt him but I know I have to be happy, too.
It's good you guys are seeing a therapist and I'm sure the therapist will be able to help far more than I could. There are a few things I can offer though. First all relationships settle into a best-friendship, that is the best stage a relationship can reach -
however of course usually sex is still involved! Something must have happened to reduce one or both of your sex drives. Could it be medical? Stress related? Or could it be a sign of something else that is really bothering you both? Lack of libido doesn't just "happen" but there are many health things that can cause it. You should really research it if you're otherwise happy.
Next, if you want kids, have you talked with him about it? Maybe he doesn't really want kids and the staying-away-from-sex is his way of handling it without confronting you. Many people simply don't want kids! Society can really hammer into your brain that "All Couples Must Have Kids" and make it sound like an easy, rosy time, but actually couples with kids go through HUGE stresses and often end up far less happy than the couples without kids. Couples with girls especially divorce at skyrocketing rates. So you should make really sure that you are ready and eager for those 20+ years of stress and trouble, and that it's not just that "everybody says I should have them".
That all being said, 34 is really a point that you should take action QUICKLY if you do want to have kids. While it's easy to think that a female body lasts forever and that it's easy to have kids in your 30s, I know MANY women in their 30s who find they can't have kids at all because they waited too long. Your eggs are not ever-lasting. They are more and more damaged and therefore less likely to fertilize properly. If you decide you have to adopt, which is a multi-year process, you could even become "too old" to be allowed to adopt by the time you get through the paperwork.
So I would focus on you and your husband and not consider this other guy a "safety net". That would be a REALLY bad idea to jump to him on the rebound. Give 100% of your attention to your husband and make a decision. Will this work or will it not work. Lots of people have marriages that they are thrilled in that have low sex levels. If you want more sex, then make sure your husband's libido isn't affected by his kid thoughts, his stress levels, his vitamin levels, etc. Have a doctor help with this. Really evaluate WHY you want kids and what you're willing to DO for kids if it really turns out that your body is past the point of easily making them. If in the end your drive for kids is more strong than your drive to work on this marriage, then tell him that. That is a perfectly reasonable reason to want to find someone else. He shouldn't "give in" to having kids if he doesn't want them, a reluctant parent is NEVER a good idea. It would be much better if you then began looking for a partner who WAS very interested in getting involved in that multi-decade struggle with a new young human.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com