He's a Player and a Flirt
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My partner of one year and I have a great relationship but I have a problem with his ex. My partner had an affair of the heart with his best mates wife and he ended up giving her an ultimatum to be with him. She chose her husband. After this they invited my partner in for a 3some which he did on a couple of occassions. over the course of our year I have found a photo, valetines card and been told how close they were. I can understand how the relationship happened. When we first started going out he would talk about her during sex. Always talks about her. Because this makes me feel uneasy I have been labelled jealous. Probably right. She has made no effort to befreind me whilst I have by calling in for coffee offering help when her husband is away for work etc.
I have told her how I feel threatened by their closeness - probably shouldn't have but I am trying to protect what I love. He is a very flirty man by nature and loves sex and being naughty and I trust him with the sex side but not the intimacy side of his friendships with these women. One of his ex's wont talk to me and if looks could kill I would be dead 10 times over. Apparently she is settling down and I have chatted with her once on the phone. But they always talk when I am not around and he hides it from me because of how I might react. He assures me they are just friends and I have asked him to keep it in the open. He says he is an individual and that he shouldn't have to tell me everything! But because he doesn't tell me anything about contact with these woman I feel betrayed. He said his ex wife was controlling and that he wasn't going to give up his friends again - I have stressed that that is not what I want but I do want to have friendships with these people as well. Nor do I want to control but I do want to feel safe and secure in my relationship with him. His best mate and wife are trying to plan a naughty weekend away with a group of couples and I am not interested - I couldn't stand watching anyone else (particularly her) touch him. He says he doesn't need it but because of their past it makes me feel very uncomfortable knowing how they talk and how often and when I am not around.
If we didn't have 6 children between us and the eight of us have become a family I would probably say this is too hard but I love him and his children and my children absolutely adore him.
He says he really loves me and these woman are friends even though in the past they have had relationships.
I guess I want to know what is fair?
I don't have a right to tell him who is friends are.
Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable? Jealous?
How do I deal with it as he is digging in his heels and wont budge? I have asked him to meet me half way on this one. I will make a conscious effort to avoid feeling jealous and I would like him to be open and honest - He says I don't trust him.
He has said he could do many things with these woman and i would never know - (which doesn't put my mind at ease) but hasn't and wont.
O-ho, no wonder his ex wife was driven crazy by him! He tried to force a married woman into leaving her husband for him? He talked about a previous crush while in bed with you? He hides conversations he has with woman with whom he has been intimate? And then he claims YOU are jealous?? Heck, most women would have kicked him out of the house long before now!
Yes, each person in a partnership is an individual, with friends and hobbies and such. But they are each others' BEST FRIENDS and as such they WANT to share everything with each other. The fact that he WANTS to hide things from you and keep it in his private, fantasy life is what's wrong here. When I do things with my own friends, I then tell my boyfriend all about it because I love to share my life with him. Your guy on the other hand is deliberately hiding things because he wants to have his separate "non-you worlds".
Obviously he's not going to listen to this from you. He's already pegged you as the "controlling woman" for interfering in his fun. And his world seems to be about him having fun however he wants and maybe including you sometimes. I would really get a couples therapist involved here to be an unbiased third party. That way he can tell his side, you can tell your side, and then the therapist can bash him on the head :) Well OK she can tell him gently. Tell him that you want to go to get a handle on your jealousy and that he can be there to help you out.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com