I'm Jealous over the Other Woman
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been having lots of problems lately. I recently found out that while he was in New York for a week, he met someone and was emailing her and talking to her on the phone since then. He never told me and I had to pry it out of him. He says that it is easy to talk to her because all we ever do is argue. Of course I was quite jealous. But this was because it felt as though he was hiding the relationship from me. He works in radio and always tells me about the people he talks and communicates with, but it was weird when he would not tell me about her. He swears that he did not do anything with her and that I am the only person he has ever slept with. (we were both virgins when we met)
I don't want to argue all the time and I am aware this puts a strain on our relationship. The thing is I feel as though I am the only one iniating any sort of conversation, good or bad.
He recently told me that I am the only one who's ever made him care and love somebody, as he feels so empty and dark inside. He says that he feels nothing. Which makes me wonder if he feels nothing how can he feel that he love me?
Is it too late for us to work things out? I was very jealous of this girl because he talks to her more than he does to me. I don't want to be in relationship like that. I have asked him several times if he would like to be in a relationship with me and he has said yes, but it feels like he doesn't, because like I said, I always have to start the conversation.
How can I get him to communicate with me more?
OK there are many issues here, so let's start at the beginning.
First off, you have a basic underlying disconnect in your relationship. You are talkative. He is not. If he was with someone who was also not talkative, they would both be really happy. If you were with someone who was more talkative, you and your talkative guy would be happy. Instead, you (talkative) are with him (not talkative) and you are trying to CHANGE HIM to MAKE him more talkative to suit your needs. Obviously this is not working well, this makes you unhappy and him unhappy. Because a relationship is about both people accepting each other AS THEY ARE and working on the relationship together. It does NOT involve one person molding the other person like silly putty into their "desired shape".
So now we have a relationship where you are both unhappy as your "normal state" because you are not well matched. So there is friction all the time. So his response is to withdraw and your response is to argue. And that makes him withdraw more. Which makes you argue more. So now your relationship is not only unhappy but it is full of fighting.
So now he runs into someone who he does NOT fight with all the time and he likes this a lot. He doesn't tell you because he wants to "test out" this new woman and see if maybe she would be eventually a good replacement. Lying to your partner is NEVER a good thing and is the beginning of the end. You find out and are naturally upset at the betrayal, and he tries to cover his tracks. But in the end if he had an issue with you he should have worked it out with you - he shouldn't have found another woman to keep "on the side".
So if you're going to work this out, first off he has to stop talking with this other girl. He is obviously telling her stuff that he SHOULD be telling you, and forging an emotional bond with her that he SHOULD be forging with you. You should always be the person to whom he turns. If you guys are in such a damaged state the LAST thing he should be doing is dedicating his energy to a new woman.
Next, you guys really have to go see a therapist together. You are very different people and need some help finding a middle ground. It sounds like when you try this on your own it ends up in disaster. It may simply be impossible - your personalities may be too different to be happy with any sort of compromise. He may simply be happier with someone more like him. YOU may simply be happy with someone more like YOU. But either you get some help and try to make it work, or you admit that you aren't going to try and you call it quits. To keep trying to cobble things together is only going to cause you both more pain.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com