Babies Causing Trouble in a Relationship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My next door neighbor and i began seeing each other about 4 months ago. We spent every single night together. We did everything together. We never fought and always had fun together.

About 2 months into it I found out I was pregnant. When i told him he said he did not want anymore kids, (he already has 2 as do I). He said he would have no part of me or the baby. After serious thinking i decided to terminate the pregnancy, when we got there i begged him to please lets go home and he would not budge. So i went through with it. I resented him alot for that and still do.

1 month later, his ex-gf comes to his house to supposedly pick up her stuff she left there (she used to live there). He noticed that she was pretty pregnant, she told him she was and that it could be his but she is not sure. Well the next day he tells me that he still loves her and is going to marry her and they are going to have this baby together.

Well when it was me he wanted no part of it. Not only that, but this girl has physically abused his 4 year old son, stole alot of money from him, thrown bricks threw his windows, and cheated on him a million times. I can't understand why he would pick this horrible girl over me when we were so happy. This girl comes up every sat to sun, then goes home, she lives about 2 hours away. we would hang out with during the week and He told me he doesn't believe this is his baby and he is going to get it tested as soon as it is born, If it isn't he will not stay with her, he also told me is disgusted when he looks at her. Then he would act cute with me and we would go out and have fun like normal. I wonder why bother with her until you know for sure.

anyways I did hang out for awhile with him but it started to hurt to much cuz i knew the weekend was coming and he would be with her. So I told him no more, i will not be the weekday gf and she is the weekend gf. No more talking to each other.

now all of a sudden he keeps finding ways to start these extremely violent fights. He starts yelling in my window, or he goes out where i am going, Things have gotten bad & very violent. so i decided to sever all ties to him, including not talking to our mutual friends, I haven't spoken to him in a week. now he called the cops on me saying that i am harassing his new gf by calling and threatening her. Well i never have done that. I think she is just trying to cause trouble so he hates me. This girl lives in another state and I live next door, no what i am sayin?

Well it worked, he hates me and won't even listen to me when i try to tell him i didnt do it.I hate that he thinks that of me. and even though i said i don't wanna talk to him anymore, i can't stop missing him and being sad that he would believe her over me. All of this is very hard for me because i really believed he was the one, we were very happy. I have been so nice to him since day one and i am the one being treated like garbage and she is getting the princess treatment. It really makes me mad that I am the bad one in his eyes when she is the bad one. Now i wonder if he ever felt anything for me at all.

What do you think? Am i crazy to believe he cared about me ever? Advice
OK, first off, you were having unprotected sex. This OBVIOUSLY can result in a child. You should never, ever, ever have unprotected sex if you are not fully and 100% ready to support that child. You then *agreed* that you didn't want to have it but then changed your mind at the last moment. You expected to "pressure" him into changing his mind as well, and you resented him when he didn't?? You had the choice here. One, you could raise the child ON YOUR OWN. Millions of women do this. Two, you could have an abortion AS YOU AGREED. You were 100% in control of your choice. Do NOT blame him in this. You are the one who said you wanted an abortion, you are the one who then did it. One of the most important things you can do as a human being is take responsibilities for your own actions instead of blaming others for things. You slept with him unprotected, you chose to head towards that abortion clinic, you did it. Now go on with your life from that point forward.

Obviously this guy was not really over his ex, and she shows up pregnant and he still wants to be with her. Your thinking that the baby was somehow a magic talisman is way in left field here. If it was just a baby issue, he would have reacted to the baby in the exact same way he did to yours. It was HER that he reacted to, his chance to be with HER again. He says he still loves her - I really doubt after all of this that he will abandon her just because the baby is or is not his at that point. Maybe he tells you that to keep you around, but he is attracted to HER and the baby is just an excuse.

The fact that he is violent with you and she is lying about you just emphasizes this. They both are trying to protect what they have with each other against a 'destructive outside force' i.e. you.

I think he liked you and had fun with you, but four months is a VERY short period of time to really get to know someone. You were a fun pal, but this other girl was the long term love of his life. I would let him go and move away if at all possible. Give yourself time to heal. He apparently was never really over her and is happy to be with her again. You need to head out into the world and find someone who is great for YOU.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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