He's Talking To the Homecoming Queen
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months now, but have known each other almost every day of our lives. I am 18, as is my boyfriend, and have recently gone off to college, and so has he. He, however, is an hour away at a different college. Communication is what our relationship is based on now, we see each other once a week.
When I do see him, I am jealous when i see him talk to other girls, but I am more jealous when he talks, or i found out he spoke with, to one particular girl. She was the highschool homecoming queen, no less! i feel that i can not live up to what she is, and so on.
I know that i am the jealous girlfriend, and that i am doing no good for our relationship. How do i get passed what happened in highschool, and move on with my live with what could be the man of my dreams? Because if i do not, i could lose him to the homecoming queen herself. Thank you for your time.
First, any long distance relationship is tough - and any high-school-to-college relationship is tough. Long distance is tough because many times you want a partner THERE to be with during the day and not just occasionally. High school to college is tough because people change a HUGE amount in those years and someone who is perfect for you in high school may simply be a really bad match by the time you finish growing and maturing in college. It's not that one of you is "bad" or the other is "bad" or the RELATIONSHIP is bad. But it's more like you were both puppies that were great having fun together, but then one grew up into a St Bernard and one grew up into a toy poodle. You both are beautiful adult creatures, you both have your own, wonderful traits, but you would be much much happier with a similar adult creature.
So those are real issues that face you guys, and I have a ton of advice on the site about keeping long distance going and on keeping a relationship growing even as you both grow and change. Those can be addressed. But your JEALOUSY is something that only you can fix - and it is something that can easily destroy your relationship even though everything else is going perfectly.
I have a whole workshop on jealousy on the site -
work on it seriously. I know this is REALLY hard to think about when you're in college and in the MTV-saturated age group. but being homecoming queen is about one of the most worthless things to worry about as far as jealousy goes. If you are going to worry about someone being "prettier than you" and therefore stealing him away, you might as well throw your hands up in defeat now. There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier than you. If you are a 36-24-36 blonde cheerleader that is 22 years old with the perfect smile, what happens when he meets that 36-24-36 *ebony haired oriental beauty* that is only 21. And when he switches to the ebony beauty and stays with her until she is 24 and 25 and the body parts start to sag, wouldn't he switch to a 21 year old Red Head to try that out?
If someone is going to be obsessed with looks, then they are NOT worth having. Because all of us get older, all of us sag and droop, all of us age - and there is ALWAYS someone better looking out there. No matter HOW pretty you are, there are always people that are a bit taller or shorter or more athletic or curvier or whatever the 'sexy of the moment' image is. And not only that, but if someone is going to CHOOSE someone based on something relatively silly like body shape of the moment, then they are also going to get BORED with that current body shape after a while and want to 'trade it in' to get a newer model! So even like I said if he got that "perfect" blond cheerleader, after a few years he would want something "new and interesting".
So this is NOT at all about competing!! You will drive yourself (and him!) crazy if you start feeling like you MUST be the "prettiest girl in the world" or he will leave you. That is not how life works. Instead, you are the girl who understands him best and who is the best partner for him - which is the most valuable thing any human being can find in the world.
If he really is the type of guy that would go girl-hopping to keep looking for new arm candy to show off, then be rid of him and be happy of it. He is the kind of guy that makes girls miserable by betraying them - and ends up miserable when he ends up alone.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com