Am I overly Jealous?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I think I'm falling in love. BUT ... me and my boyfriend have been dating for 4 months, we now live together, yes things have moved fast. I'm new to the area.
My problem is whenever we go out, I'd like it to be a quiet evening with just the two of us. But there's always a *friend* female of course, that always has to come hug, or one in particular has to kiss his head. He's bald. This makes me feel really uncomfortable, so I mention to him I don't think it's right. I feel like the affection I give him, which is very little cause of my fears, doesn't mean anything because he can get his *attention* everywhere else.
He always makes it MY problem that it upset me in the first place, but never willing to look at the problem itself.
Yeah I am jealous but he is Hott ... and I don't want to lose him. I want to get over being jealous, but I also want to know that I am the woman in his life, not just the woman he sleeps with.
What can I do?
OK, first, hugging or kissing friends is a normal part of life. He's not sitting there pawing them while you two share dinner. They see him, they come to say hi. You already admit that you are not giving him a lot of affection - but you say you're doing this because you're afraid of losing him? That seems sort of like being afraid of being fat, and therefore eating a lot of chocolate. It's exactly the opposite of what you would want to do.
You have to stop judging your life and your relationship based on him being blindly obedient to you. It is HEALTHY for him to have female friends! And he should be with you because he WANTS to be, not because he feels you are "his one and only choice". Wouldn't that be really sad, if the only reason he was with you was he felt nobody else would take him? That you were only in his life "by default"? Isn't it so much better to realize that he COULD have anyone he wanted - but he CHOSE you because he loves you?
I have a whole set of pages on handling jealousy here -
but in essence you are obsessing about losing him. Even though he loves you. And you are actively driving him away with your actions - so if you DO lose him it will be because you pushed him away!! You need to stop completely and just ACCEPT HIS LOVE. He loves you. He wants to be with you! He is a happy person who has friends and they are part of his life. But the person he LOVES is you. The sooner you accept that and become comfortable with that, the sooner your relationship will become a more calm, stress-free one.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com