My Boyfriend Believes a Lie

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have a boyfriend, we are together since November 2002. I love him very much, just like he loves me. We were working on the cruise ship, living in the same cabin. Everything was perfect (small fights or arguments just like other couples - no big deal).

One day he got news from home that his father is in bad condition so he had to leave work and go home for emergency reasons. He came back after 3 weeks. The day he came back he moved from our cabin. I was talking on the phone outside of the ship when my friend came and she told me that my boyfriend is moving cabin and doesn't want to know anything about me. She said that he knows that I slept with some guy while he was home (his father died).

I was so shocked, because that was a complete lie, I went straight to talk to him, but he doesn't believe me. He told me, that one of his friend emailed him while he was home and said, that one guy told him, that he had sex with me. That guy asked not to tell anything to my boyfriend. Anyway, it is not true and I know why he said all this lie. The guy was atacking me when my boyfriend was home, trying to kiss me and told me very clearly that he wants me. I refused him of course and look what happened now. He made this story and left. He is somewhere home now and no way to find him.

I swore to my boyfriend it is not true, told him everything how the guy was aproaching me, but he says he doesn't believe. And the reason he doesn't believe me is that he doesn't understand why that other guy should lie. He thinks he has no reason to lie...

Help me what should I do? Advice
You are demonstrating right now why it is SO INCREDIBLY important to have honesty and trust in a relationship. You have to believe fully and completely in each other, that you will always honor and love each other and never lie to them. It seems that your boyfriend wasn't at that point with you. You really need to soul search and ask yourself why. Were you less than honest with him at some point in the past? Was there some other incident where you held things back from him? Why would he trust you completely up until now and then completely discount what you're saying?

Your boyfriend is probably very distraught because his father died. And maybe he has low self esteem so he figured you *would* cheat given the chance. But he should always trust most in his "partner in life" over some strange guy he doesn't even know. So now it comes down to your word vs the word of a complete stranger and he's taking the word of a stranger.

On one hand you could try to prove your innocence. You could try to track down this other guy - SOMEONE must know where he is. You could canvas the entire crew and get them all to vouch for you. You could offer to take a lie detector test! Maybe the fact that you go to these lengths will show him that you must be serious.

But on the other hand, he apparently didn't have strong enough feelings for you to ride out the first real test of the relationship. He got even the slightest whiff of doubt and POOF he was gone without even talking to you about it. That is pretty shallow of him. If you guys were living together, you had a commitment. People with commitments talk out issues, they don't ditch and run because "some friend of a friend said something". If he did this now, he might just keep doing this in the future. So as hard as it might be right now, maybe it's better you found this out now, and not when you were married to him and he deserted you then ...

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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