Choosing between Two Girls

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have a girlfriend of three and a half years. Things were great for that first year, then after we attended the same college for a semester. Things weren't going so well after that. We were even at the point where we took a week long break from each other. Since then things have been ok, but I feel like she's being to controlling of me. I say that I love her and I believe that I do, however I don't care to watch the same programs she does, and I don't like watching the movies she does. I don't mind it, but it would be nice to watch movies that I like for a change.

I find that we have fun with each other every now and then, however I also find ourselves fighting a lot. I also am not very good at talking to her on the phone, she tells me how hard it is for her to adjust without me and how much she misses me. I miss her as well, but I have also realized that I'm enjoying not having her around all the time.

Before we started dating there was another girl that I thought was amazing, I even took her to my senior prom. Our relationship didn't last very long because she said that she felt pressure from her mother to continue dating me because I was "just a nice guy." Though things didn't work out romantically I've always kept strong feelings for her, and remained good friends with her over the last four years.

My current girlfriend now attends college out of state so the only times we can visit are on holidays and during the summer. My friend over the last four years attends another college that is just a few hours away. We hang out whenever she's in town and she has even invited me up to her college to hang out with her for the weekend.

The last few times we've been together I've been getting butterflies in my stomach. We hug for long periods of time and tell each other how much we've missed each other. It seems that we're flirting but we're both afraid to say something. She knows I have a girlfriend, but I've always been attracted to her. I don't want to do anything to hurt my girlfriends feelings and she's going to be away for a few more years. I'm so confused on what I should do. Do I truely love this girl that is out of state, or do I want to be with this other girl whom I've like for years? What should I do? Advice
It's very common to be fond of two different people. There are after all billions of people on our planet and it's very likely that we will enjoy different peoples' company for different reasons. But in the end, in dating you need to choose one person at a time or risk very unhappy feelings.

So you have one girlfriend who you have been loyal to, even though you don't have lots of things in common and who you fight with and have stress. Then you have another girl who I assume you DO have things in common with and are more compatible with.

Having a girlfriend is about having a BEST friend - someone you can talk with, feel comfortable with, enjoy things with, and share anything with. On one hand you should work through all problems as much as possible and find solutions together. But on the other hand, if you're just not well matched, she deserves to be let go so she CAN find someone she's well matched with, and so you can to. Most people date MANY people while teenagers and young adults while they figure out what works and what doesn't work. If you just stayed with the first person "because it was convenient" even though you fight and aren't well matched, that would be bad.

So I would really think seriously about your *current girlfriend*. You always have to work on the existing relationship AS IT IS without looking to other people as a "safety net" or "backup". Ignore the second girl right now. And decide if you are happy or unhappy with this long distance girl. Yes, she'll be sad if you break up. But she'll be EVEN sadder if you drag this out for more years and THEN break up because you're just not a good match. At least if you break up now she'll find someone new while she's still in college.

Once you get the current girlfriend situation sorted out, THEN you can think about other options. But you can't make it "I left girl 1 for girl 2" situation. You have to be sure it's a "I tried my best with girl 1 and it simply didn't work. Then I was single again ..." situation.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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