We Fight over Nothing
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Lately my relationship with my boyfriend of 6 months has become quite rocky. We have been fighting over absolutely nothing, (like a weird look, a mis-understood comment, we even fight over motives we assume the other person has. Him and I are both bad about jumping to conclusions),and everytime we argue I worry things wont work out.
I love him with all my heart, and I've talked with my Mother (married 25 years) about this issue; she tells me everything him and I are going through is completely normal. So if we are normal why do we feel horrible and helpless after we disagree. We've also noticed we have difficulties directing our anger; we always end up directing it at the other person over resentment from things said in past disagreements, or maybe one of us will feel like the other is being hipocritical in his or her accusations.
for instance this morning him and I were discussing, and I said I felt like he wasn't excited to be around me anymore,--like I dont make him happy like I used to--, and he just blew up at me. He told me he IS happy to be around me, and if he doesnt act like he is it's only because I act like I'm not excited to be around him, so I shouldn't say things that bother me if I do them too. I never realized I dont act happy or excited to be around him, but should that just erase my feelings because he says I do it too?.
All our disagreements do is hurt us, and decrease our sense of security within the relationship. I understand that you are probably incredibly busy giving thousands of people love advice everyday, but if you could find any time at all to write me back, anything at all, I would be so extremely greatful! This issue is weighing me down. Thank you very much for listening :)
Actually fighting over nothing continuously is NOT normal, it is a sign that something is bothering you both and that it sort of "erupts" when some small thing becomes a focus of attention. You guys are always in a 'wound' state and then something sets you off. So the issue is ... WHAT are you wound up about?
If you've been together for 6 months then OBVIOUSLY you aren't going to be the same as when you first met. Relationships go through stages -
and you're getting into the more long term relationship stage now. So you're dealing with each others faults. You know you're not perfect and those imperfections bother you. But it still doesn't mean you should be fighting constantly!
Sit down and have a SERIOUS talk with him. I'm talking full soul opening here. Tell him that you guys have to trust each other 100% if this is going to work. And then start listing the things about the relationship that bother you. Be honest. If he interrupts or says it's not true, gently ask him to just listen. And then ask him to list some things and YOU just listen. Don't judge or interrupt. Just listen. And go back and forth. SOMETHING in your relationship is wrong and hasn't been talked about, and is eating away at you. The only way you will learn what it is is to honestly open up, share information and see what you find. Then find ways together to find solutions to your problems.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com