He Might have Cheated, But He's Not Sure
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months now. We had the most perfect relationship. Yes, we had our differences, but we always knew how to handle them. About two weeks ago, he told me that the night before, he had gotten drunk and woke up with three girls. He told me that he was really scared of losing me, but that he couldn't keep it inside. He knew that he had to tell me and that I deserved to know. He told me that he doesn't rememeber what happened that night and that maybe nothing happened.
He said that he had started drinking that night at his friend's dorm room, and his frend's girlfriend had three girl-friends over. They were playing a drinking game and he got drunk (he had never drunk before, but he decided to drink then). Afterwards, his friend left with his girlfrined and my boyfrined was left with the three girls. They then went to wrigley field and after that, he says that all he remembers was getting into a car with the girls and a male stranger, who was driving. Supposedly, the next thing he remembers is waking up with the three girls. He says that they all had their shirts off and that he ran out of the house that morning because he felt horrible.
When he told me, later that day, I was torn. He did say that he was sorry and that his mistake was drinking and that whatever might've happened, he didn't mean. He also said that he thinks that nothing happened, but he doesn't remember anything. He cried and asked me for forgiveness.
I did break up with him two days later. He knew since the beginning that I don't tolerate infidelity. It is impossible for me to know that I am with someone that doesn't respect me. After I broke up with him, he begged for my forgiveness on his knees and he was crying. He told me that he was sorry for drinking and that he lovesme. I tried everything in my power and I told him that I want to work it out. I went back with him on the note that we will TRY.
I still feel confused. I am torn into two: There is the jealous and proud side of me that doesn't want to forgive, and I won't. The ohter side sticks to the possibility that nothing happend, that he was under the influence of alcohol, and to the fact that I love him. If I knew that he meant to do anything or that something happened that night, I wouldn't forgive him-I just don't tolerate infidelity. But, what if he was drunk enough to forget me, or what if he didn't do anything. I don't want to leave him and then hurt forever knowing that maybe he does love me enough to respect me and that his only mistake was drinking and losing control of himself.
I even got as far as getting drunk for the first time just to see how I felt and if it is possible to get lost and lose control of oneself the way he claims to have lost control and not remember anything. I do remember everything that happened when I was drunk. I don't know if I can use that as evidence because I do know that people deal with alcohol differently and get affected by it differently.
I was eating with him today, and I am sure that I want to be with him, I want to be with the guy I knew before anything happened. I also know that I can't be with him if anything happened, but he doesn't remember anything and I don't know what to do. I am torn into two, I am in front of two paths, both very different and I don't know where to go. Maybe I am just blinded with love and I can't see that everything he said sounds like bull-$#%#. Maybe I know him well enough to know that he didn't do anything, but life is full of surprises.
You definitely can get so drunk that you don't remember what happened. Of course he made a sequence of bad decisions there. He starts out drinking, he goes out DRIVING while drinking, he goes out with a strange guy in a car?? What if that guy was a carjacker? What if they'd crashed the car and killed some innocent pedestrian? You may be lucky that topless girls are your ONLY problem here.
To be honest, most guys are unable to perform when they are that drunk. So the chance of him being ABLE to do anything but collapse into bed with those girls is slim to none. I would really give him the benefit of the doubt her and make sure he has LEARNED HIS LESSON about drinking. One or two drinks is fine. Drinking to lose control is how people die.
You really need to learn to forgive him though. If you are going to punish him for the rest of his life over his one mistake, it's not going to work.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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Don't drink with other girls