I've Lost the Spark
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years, everything was well until probably in the last few months. I feel as if we have lost that connection that we once had, things have started slacking off in the bedroom (its my fault too, because I have lost the need for sex) and that in turn is taking its toll in other situations.
He is the kind of guy that needs to know that he is loved, and with sex he knows. However, to make things worse, I live under his parents roof and it is far away from my parents so when I need to get away I have no where to go.
But after all that we have been through, I don't feel as if I can be with him any longer. And I will feel guilty if I break up with him because this has happened before with another girl he was seeing for 3 years. I don't want to hurt him by leaving but at the same time I'm hurting quietly by staying. Please help me.
OK, there are several things going on here and NONE are worthy of a breakup!! In fact if you break up because of these things, you are going to break up in EVERY relationship you attempt because these exact same things are going to happen quite naturally.
First. Sex. Sex doesn't say rambunctious forever!! Do you think 70 year olds have the same sex life that 20 year olds do? Sex needs change for many reasons. Your hormones settle down. You get used to each other and don't have to "do it" constantly. Your bodies age. Your needs mature. This is a NORMAL part of a long term relationship. That's why there are so many pages on my site on "keeping the love alive". It doesn't just "happen" - it is something you and your partner work on. You buy cool lingerie, you get interesting videos, you get books with new techniques.
Next. The Spark. Sparks cannot just burn blazingly hot for years and years, either! Here are the normal stages of a relationship -
and you are settling into a mature love. This is a GOOD thing and something that happens in every relationship. You become best friends and are dependable and care for each other. You trust each other, you rely on each other. These are the things that keep you together for years and years.
OK, next. He needs you to "prove your love via sex". He is going to be disappointed with ANY girl if that's true because, again, sex is not going to remain hot and heavy for decades! He has to learn that SEX IS NOT LOVE. If he has serious issues with this it might be time to talk with a therapist. But it is CRITICAL that he understand you love him without requiring "proof". He should know it without you buying him gifts, saying it ever 10 minutes or putting out. Insecurity can cause relationship issues and he needs to handle this now before he starts a never-ending chain of destroying relationships.
And next. You want a "personal retreat". Since your aim would be to someday live with a guy full term, this will *always* be an issue if you cannot learn to make your own space. There will always be a guy around and maybe kids around someday too. Believe me, you can be in the middle of your "own house" and be going crazy, wanting to have nobody else around!!
The key is to be able to MAKE your own space whereever you are. Create a desk that has your favorite books on it, paper for writing, your favorite items. Set aside a window seat as your special meditation area. Yes, you live with other people. Most of us do! But that doesn't mean that you can't still have your own nook that is where you relax.
Also, you should ALWAYS have your own friends, your own things to do, your own hobbies. Go out with your friends to the movies! Go out to take classes on basketry or cooking with chocolate. Go for walks in the local nature center. No matter where you live, you should always have a life outside the house and things you enjoy to do.
It sounds like you've been neglecting many things and THESE are the real issues. It actually sounds like your relationship with this guy is going well in general. Again, the issues you're hitting are NORMAL issues you are going to hit in ANY relationship. So address them here and now, and you will be really happy when you do.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com