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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain

I cheated on my ex to be with him, now he doesn't want me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I had been friends with this one guy for about a year now, we have messed around before and he always told me that he liked me but I had a boyfriend at the time.

My boyfriend and I just broke up after almost 2 years and I ended up staying the night with my guy friend but then the next day he acted different towards me like he did not like me as much. My x-boyfriend and him are kind of friends so when my ex found out he went to where he worked and started to fight with him.

Now this guy is totally ignoring me and it's driving me nuts. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to him so many times and I have even had other people try but he is not budging! What should I do?

Did he use me? Should I just give him time or what? I hate the fact that i might lose him as a friend because i felt so close to him. He is saying that he is scared to be with me because of the way i treated all my x-boyfriends. I may have treated them bad but how can i show him that i won't treat him like that? I really want to be with him. Please help.

RomanceClass.com Advice
You have proven here exactly why cheating is so bad and dangerous. You were with a boyfriend, and you *betrayed* him to be with this other guy. So now that you are free - why should this other guy feel that you will treat him any differently? You have already proven to him (and apparently to others) that you are not loyal. You are only willing to stay honorable until you find a new guy to fool around with and then you're willing to hop into bed. So all this new guy has to go on is that this has happened in the past - including with him. And when you're with him, what happens when things start to get into the post-passion phase? Why wouldn't you then go hopping along to someone new to get that passion back in your life?

One of THE most important things you can ever do in a relationship is to be worthy of it - not only for the guy you're with, but for YOURSELF. Because lots of people are watching you in that relationship and learning what sort of a person you are by your actions in it. And if you then come out of it and say "Voila! I'm a new person now!" they will not believe it. They trust in actions, not in words. And if your actions show that you betray people, that is what they know.

Rebuilding trust is a long, slow and difficult process. I have tips on it on my site in the 'cheating' area. You are going to have to rebuild trust with this guy and show him that you really understand how completely wrong cheating was before - even though it was with him. If you loved him you should have BROKEN UP with your ex and then dated him. To keep dating your ex while you cheated was only demonstrating your inability to maintain a relationship - which is exactly what this new guy fears. So you have to really understand why it was wrong, you have to tell this guy you understand, and then you have to prove it over and over again. He might finally believe that you've turned over a new leaf and understand why cheating is so destructive. But you may have totally damaged your ability to be with this guy, and only be able to use your new knowledge with a brand new guy - one who was not affected by your behavior in past relationships.

Cheating leads to pain and hurt, and to breakups. There's never any reason to do it, and in the end the person you hurt most is yourself, when nobody trusts you any more.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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