She Used Me Then Dumped Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Ok here's the scenario. Ever since me and my one of my best friends moved in together me and his girlfriend have been a little shady. She admitted she always wanted to sleep with me and used to run around the house in her panties all the time. I always used to leave the door open for that same reason. Anyways, neither of us never imagined anything would come of this. Furthermore, my "friend" happens to be the most abusive boyfriend of all time. He's hit her a few times, he calls her a slut and then tells her he loves her in basically the same sentence, tells her she's worthless and can't do better than him, etc., etc.. So I was always her shoulder to cry on.
So at about the worst part of their relationship she offers me a free ticket to go to a 2-day Phish Festival in Northern Maine as long as I drive, because her ride flaked out on her. I accepted because they're one of my favorite bands not knowing what was going to happen. On the drive up she told me all of the horrible things my friend used to do to her and how unhappy she is. Then we get off the subject and start talking about sex like we always do. Anyways, we get to the concert take a bunch of ecstacy and we become about a milimeter away from having sex. I stop myself from doing it despite the fact that she is begging me for it. The next day I told her the fact that we were that close was wrong and we have to chill out. The next night we take more ecstacy and the same thing happens. We get even closer this time, but I still restrain myself. In addition to all of this the whole weekend we have been really getting to know each other. On the car ride back she tells me she will never look at me the same way and has a horrible crush on me. All I can do is think about having sex with her. The whole ride home she begs me to let us hook up, and I say no until 8hrs into the ride she goes down on me and I can't help myself.
Two days later she breaks up with her boyfriend, I break up with my girlfriend because I can only think about this new girl. The whole week we go at it, going out on crazy dates, having crazy amounts of fun, and having crazy sex. I "figure out" that this is the girl I am truly looking for right now and she tells me I am the most amazing guy she has ever known and her life, she wants an exclusive relationship with me, and no one has ever treated her this well. During this whole week, conveniently her ex was out of town.
When he came back, basically all hell broke loose. My girl started becoming distant, we kind of both agreed we need space because of the timing even though I thought we both didn't want to give it space. This "space" turned into her having sex with her abusive ex. Now this girl is messed up in the head and all she would do was tell me I was who she really wanted, she doesn't know what she's doing, yaddah yaddah yaddah.
By the way, a little background on this girl: She's cheated on her ex about 8 times and has issues of self worth, insecurity, and is hypersexual, and I am guessing is probably a compulsive liar. So now, because I'm messed up in the head and attracted to the girls I can't have and will only hurt me, now I want her more. I am pretty sure I was just a vacation to this girl, just like every other guy even though she told me all of those things. She actually even said she loved me when she was drunk (don't worry I didn't believe that one).
So right now I am in a state of being broken-hearted, still wanting her back, but also having utter hatred for her. As if this isn't enough of a problem I don't know what to do about my roomate (the ex). He doesn't know about any of this and because he's kind of a bastard, I'm his best friend. I should let you know that I don't really ever lie, I have no secrets, and that blowjob on the carride back is the only time I have ever cheated on a girl in my life.
I told my girlfriend immediately the whole story, and she took it as good as one could, we're actually good friends now, but I'm all f**ked up. I don't know whether to tell my roommate or not because it will screw up my entire living situation and my friendship with him and all of our mutual friends; Also he's relatively mentally unstable and I don't know what he'll do. On the other hand I'm tearing myself up inside with guilt. Also I don't know how I'm going to get over this girl, what I should say to her when she's over my apartment all the time, and how in the hell I'm going to deal with the fact that I'm going to hear them having sex every night. She has basically completely dropped me, ignores my phone calls, and then pretends we're all buddy buddy when she sees me at our apartment.
She may have no trouble lying and cheating but I do, and now I'm hurt. I know I f**ked up, and it's mostly because I'm never satisfied with the girls I date unless they're tramps for some apparent reason. I should let you know that I can't get out of this apartment, I already tried, no one will take the room, and my roommate will know what's up instantly if I sublet for less money.
Any advice you can give me in this situation would be great, and trust me I need help, because this is the most f**ked up situation I've ever been in.
It definitely sounds like this girl is very, very screwed up and uses people for her own amusement. She probably saw you as a challenge and wanted to see if she could break down your self restraint. When she did, she had "won" and she went back to her abusive relationship. She no doubt realizes that what she does to guys is pretty nasty and therefore staying in this relationship with the abusive guy is her "built in punshment" where she is properly yelled at for being such a slut. So it's one of those whole viscious cycle things.
I'm definitely a proponent normally of complete and total honesty, but it sounds like you have a powder keg here that you're living in and that setting it off while you're inside it is NOT a good move. There's no way you should stay near a guy that is capable of beating up women, nor stay near a woman that is capable of using men.
Since that is an obvious, illegal issue (him hitting her) I would make that the cornerstone of your escape plan. The next time they have a fight, which it sounds like shouldn't take too long, go up to him afterwards (when he's calm) and say that you simply can't live in a situation where a guy mistreats a girl like that. That assault is illegal and you know he's hit her. Maybe one of your relatives or friends has been hit in the past - bring that up. In any case, just tell him that it bothers you and you're not comfortable having a roommate who is capable of doing that. If they really don't fight for a few days, bring it up anyway. Say that something you saw recently caused it to really be driven home.
Don't press him to change or anything else. Just let it be known that that is your attitude (and hopefully the attitude of 99.999% other humans on the planet!! I don't know of many roommates who would have stayed quiet this long). Now make a serious effort to sublet the room. If someone else comes in paying less money, you've already made it clear why you didn't want to be there. And if he asks why it was for less money, you can always make the point that since assault is illegal, and since hitting women is pretty morally repugnant, that the chances of finding ANYONE to take the room was slim to none.
Who knows, he might actually get a clue. But even if he gets angry at you for 'deserting him' at least you don't have to deal with him any more and stay far away from her too. They need to work out their problems, but you're not their parents, and for them to suck you down into their little nest of destruction is completely unfair. It's probably being around people like that that is causing you to chase 'destructive girls' in the first place. Maybe if you were clear of them and had a better, happier environment you might meet and enjoy a girl who you really could be friends with.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com