Being there.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
This isnt a big end of the world thing but its a concern.
Been dating my gf for 2 years now. We both have cozy families, tightly knit. While my family has strong moral/religious tradtions, hers still has morals and family values. My parents are much stricter than hers.

In the past 2 years, i have done everything in my power to be there for her at all her special moments, events, friends events, family events. Along with being there when she needs help or me. I have only missed 2 things, i had mono and tried to make it but was in horrible shape. The second my gf says,"oh my parents would like you to come over for..." im there.
I can understand if you are sick, already made serious plans, or are working, by all means, what are you gonna do.

But there have been 2 or 3 real big events for me. Shes missed them all. All of them. The last one was my best friends wedding. She wasnt working, had no plans, unless you call watching 3 hours of ROME serious plans and wasnt sick. But didnt make it because it wouldve took standing up to her parents for me. Simple as that. Her parents may be inconsistent with reasons why she couldnt go to these things, but they arent strict people. My gf just hasnt got a backbone for me in the relationship when it comes to being there for me at the cost of having to try hard with her parents.

As long as its a request of me, im there, her parents and her love me, they get along about it.

Whenever i ask something of her to be there. Weddings, etc etc. Her parents look vile, like ive handed them there daughters obituary. They go really quiet.

This wedding invite, i gave it to her rents, she asked if she could go, they took MY invite and went into their room and didnt come out till i was gone, WITHOUT A WORD.

She put up the smallest fight, but nope. the answer was no, and she didnt have ANYTHING to say to it.

I showed her parents it was CLOSER to things she and i had been allowed to go to. That i wouldnt be drinking whatsoever. I was going to spend the night at the hotel after, dangerous to head back that late morning so sleepy, and we have spent the night together before so its not new to her parents. Once camping in the back yard, once at a campsite for a weekend that was FURTHER away than the wedding. So her parents really have no ammo for why she cant go. But they looked like i hit them in the face with a shovel, like i had insulted them. She didnt say a peep.

I promised myself that hey, id have a great time anyways, its my best friends wedding its all about HER that day.
And i kept my promise for almost all of it, the ceremony, pictures, dinner, speeches, events, cutting wedding cake, bride and groom 1st dance. Now all the single girls went to the bar then to the lounge, all the single men went to the bar, and the second the dj asked every couple to join in and celebrate the love of the evening in joining the newly wedds in dancing, i choked up, i turned around and walked out. I was alone, again. And i wasnt single either.

I walk outside to catch some air and my phone rang with a few texts, shes "watching tv LOL"...sigh, and she really misses me, and is "AWWWWWWWW so sorry she couldnt be there".

We got into our first serious fight as a couple. It took me an hour and a half to show her the point. Dont blame your rents, you couldve been here, easily actually, its your fault you arent. You arent here for me, yet again.
She threw all kinds of deflections, and other immature crap my way. Until finally the point hit home and she admitted she blew it, i still didnt get a "i will be there next time".

About this time my best friend, the bride found me, and i didnt want to waste any more of a special evening dealing with the consistent thorn in my relationship. So i turned my cell phone off figuring, hey, shes back there isnt she, and not here, we can continue this talk when i get back there.

I went on to save my evening, for the next 3 hours i enjoyed myself, got to dance with my best friend and wish her all the best through good and bad in her marriage, that i would always be there as her friend and appreciate all that she and her friendship have done and meant for me over the years.

Sadly, i then had to end the night a little sad, because i got to go upstairs with all the other couples to my romantic themed room,and be the ONLY one all alone and not able to finish of a beautiful night for love.

People tell me that a girls relationship with her parents is different. Shes more dependent on their approval.
My mother says if my gf still hasnt grown a back bone after 2 years sooner or later itll be 1 too many missed things, ill snap and break up with her. She says that a relationship where 1 is always there and the other isnt even willing to put up a fight with her parents, doesnt give a good foundation for anything in the future.

I just wanted to know what you think about this and what i should do.

So far we me and my gf are still okay. im still dissapointed,but ive decided that after our serious talk to give it some time to see what she does the next special moment in my life. See whether she steps up or not. Because that night was so special to me, and itd meant the world to me if she had been there to share it with me. Advice
Yeah, I'm with you. No idea what the problem is with her parents. And, like you said she needs to get a backbone. After all, you are there for her whenever she needs you and she won't do the same for you.

You did a good thing by talking it out with her and maybe now she sees better how you feel about it and the next time she will speak up... after all, she isn't a child any more.

At the very least, she should get a solid answer of WHY her parents are being so difficult. She has to ask them to explain their decisions to her.

Maybe it is time for you two to move in together.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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