I went away for 6 weeks, my boyfriend of 5 years abandoned me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me the day I returned home from a 6 week trip. He said that in the last 2 weeks I was gone he had changed and fallen for someone else. He is a quiet person and I know this new girl pursued him, but he fell into her trap. She knew me and knew we were together but went after him anyway and he kissed her.
We had seriously talked about getting married; I thought we'd be together forever. While I was away he continued to call me and write to me and tell me that he "loves" me. The shock of his decision has yet to go away. He cannot explain why he has done this, he says "it's just the way I feel." I was very close to his family and they all want me around and in their lives and with him.
How can I keep my relationship with them? How can I make him realize that he has made a mistake? I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life, yet I want him back because I know that we go together and that we did have a strong relationship. We did not fight and we talked all of the time about how we felt. How did he change so quickly? Can someone really change as much as he thinks he did in a matter of 2 weeks?
It has been a month since the break up. I don't hate him, and I'm not angry with him, I want to understand and try to work things out. Is it possible to do that?
Wow, this sounds pretty classic. All relationships go through stages, I have a page on them here -
So you guys were in the mature, serious phase and along comes this hot young thing in the 'fresh, wild love!!' stage and he gets his head turned around. Yes, she probably chased him. But still, he let himself go after her instead of being mature and saying "I'm taken."
Sure, he feels swept away. That is what hormones do to you! That is what the rush of new love is! But it has NOTHING to do with the long term commitment, love and caring that two real loving people have for each other. For him to confuse that lust-rush of new love with what you had with him really shows that he just doesn't have the mindset for a real relationship. If it wasn't this new trollop-of-the-moment, who knows what other young co-worker or intern would turn his head.
I don't think he changed, in that sense. I think he was always succeptable to the passion of the moment. In the past you were lucky that none swung along. But as soon as one did, he hopped on the vine and went off with it. Yes, you can fight for him and maybe even get him back, if you remind him of just how important REAL love is vs that hot passion of lust. But if you do, what's to say that when the next 18 yr old with a tank top comes along, that he doesn't wander off with her?
You really need to evaluate your choices here. I *know* that some guys can be incredibly wonderful and you really fantasize about long years with them. But on the other hand, some guys are easily drawn into the hot attraction of the moment. If he is one of those guys, you are going to set yourself up for incredibly painful betrayals. It is sometimes really best to just acknowledge that the guy is like that, accept it and move on. Yes, you love him. But no, you can't trust your heart with him.
I wish you the best of luck either way. But it may really be fate giving you a hand here, giving you the chance to find a truly worthy man, instead of marrying a man who will cause you decades of pain in the future.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com