I've suddenly become jealous!
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Two years ago I began talking with a man from the same town. A friend of mine had passed away just prior to our meeting. The friend was also his cousin. He saw that I had a Tribute to the friend on my myspace page and so he decided to message me. We reminisced about our moments with my friend. The conversations had been far few and in between in the first month. He was in an 8 year relationship with a woman. I was married. After a two months the chats became more frequent and we soon became great online friends. During one of our chats we decided to meet for coffee at the local coffee shop. I was slightly nervous. The next day i got dressed and drove there. When I arrived I didn't see him, so I proceeded to order my coffee. Just as I received it, I saw him walk in the door with a smile on his face. At that moment I felt my knees go weak and my heart began to thud! We spent an hour or so in the coffee shop talking about everything. Soon after 11 we decided to go elsewhere. Our choice of destination was the lakefront. It was a beautiful day so we walked and talked and had a few silent moments where our eyes met. We had an almost instant connection. Everything about who we are coincided. We continued to see each other over the next year and our relationship flourished. We fell in love. I fell in love to a degree I had not yet experienced.
(before I go further, I think it important to say that both he and I had open relationships with our significant others)
It wasn't supposed to happen that way but it did. After a year and a half my marriage had ended and his relationship just two weeks after. Well for the last five months we've been together but there has been a lot of stress happening on my part. I recently lost my job and I am raising two children alone now. I've been looking for a new job for a month and with the economy being strained that's been a very difficult task. Money is running out and I am incredibly nervous. I am not sure if my stressful situation has anything to do with it but I have noticed myself becoming terribly jealous and overly concerned that he will break my heart. This morning he left for Iowa to go to a week long school for work(he's a detective). We had an incredible night together last night but when he left for his flight this morning, I began to worry. I've been so worried that he will cheat on me while he is there. He has NEVER done anything to make me think he is that kind of man. But it has happened to me before when my ex husband went to Atlanta for a week for work.
He reached Des Moines at 6pm and called me from the airport. I was so excited to hear from him but the call was cut short. At 930 he popped on yahoo messenger to see if i was there because his cell phone had no reception in his room. We chatted about my worries.... It was a good conversations and he did a great job at reassuring me. We chatted on the web cam and had a few laughs making funny faces at each other, but there was apparently a knock on the door. He got up and his colleague came in. He said to me that he needed to go for a bit. I said ok. He went about his business. But then a moment later he text messaged me. Which I thought was odd because his phone supposedly didn't work in the hotel room. His message said "Don't fret, scheduling conflict". I said "yeah, ok sure". I also thought it was quite odd that he was still on yahoo messenger and sent me a text message. I flew into a rage thinking he was lying to me! I immediately sent him a text message accusing him of lying about the phone and about the 'scheduling conflict'. I felt crazy, shaking, heart racing, head spinning, heavy breathing, sweating, and just creating things in my own mind. So I call him and began yelling at him when he answered. The phone kept cutting in and out and eventually lost service. He then got on messenger and told me to calm down. I flew off the handle again and started typing crazy obscenities about his lies. I felt so angry and uncontrollable. When he didn't type back immediately I called him again but heard voices in the background of the 'in and out' call. It hung up again. I then started accusing him of having women in his room. Soon after he called from his work phone, because it had better reception in the room. He tried to explain that he did NOT have women in his room, that a few of his work buddies had come in and notified him of the scheduling conflict and they were trying to figure it out. I didn't really want to hear it, tho i listened. I apologized for jumping to conclusions and told him how terrible I felt for doing that to him. I feel like a complete idiot. I've never done this type of thing to anyone. Is there something wrong with me? Is this behavior normal? I don't understand it. I love him so much. I don't want to ruin our relationship. If this sort of thing keeps happening, I know it will not last. How do I overcome my feelings of worry?
Sorry you are in this situation.
There is almost no good way to fight against jealousy. You are doing the most important thing and that is talking calmly about it (once you settled down.)
No doubt your job worries have your nerves on edge and the coincident about your ex and his trip to Atlanta. And yes you acted like a complete idiot... that's what jealousy will do to you. Don't beat yourself up over a one time conflict, just make sure it doesn't happen again.
One way to deal with jealousy is to give yourself pep talks like saying there is nothing to worry about, that he loves you, that it is just your nerves.
Another word of advice... if you have another attack of jealousy DON'T contact him and give him a torrent of abuse. Keep it to yourself until you have a chance to discuss it with him rationally. After all, jealousy is misfounded 99% of the time.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com