We're Hitting Each Other, How Do We Stop?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I are currently living together, and we fight constantly. He says really mean things to me and asks me crazy questions about every detail of my day. He is extremely jealous. It angers me to the greatest possible extent. I have hit him several times. He has hit me back, but I always initiate the physical violence, but it stems from his lack of trust.
I am a good woman. I do everything for him, and I am not cheating on him or looking for someone else. These are the types of issues I face everyday. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I can't visit my friends. I haven't seen my family in a long time. They all know we have problems, and they want me to get out, but I feel like I am all he has. I hate it that I am physically abusive to him, but he is to me as well. Maybe I am trying to rationalize the fact that I hit him with the fact that he is emotionally abusing me.
None of this is right. I can't even check the mail without him asking me if I talked to someone along the way. He gets mad at people I talk to even if it is just in a convenient store....general conversation.
Main point...if there is another man around or involved in any way....I am trying to go out with him or I am interested in him....none of it is true. It's all lies. I can't get him to realize that I want him and him only. I used to have a large circle of friends. A lot of them were guys....but I can't talk to them anymore. Some of them I have known for years....long before I met him, but he feels that they are a threat to the relationship. It is all about him. It is all about him thinking about what could possibly happen...and preparing himself for these nonexistent threats. The threats may be possible...it is possible that I meet someone that I want to be with more than him...but it is not probable.
I know that this is a problem that we must both work on. When he says mean things to me...and I mean utterly horrible...I just want to hurt him. I try to control myself...but he just keeps on and on until I feel like I am not even myself. I feel like a demon.
How can we work this out. He is jealous and insecure. I am violent to myself and to him. This isn't who I am. I have never been this way. I have been pushed so far that I don't know myself anymore. I would like to make this relationship work. It is this first time I have ever truly loved someone. That is why it is so hard for me to leave. Is there any hope? My best friend noticed a bruise on my lip, and she knows that we argue, but not that we fight physically. I lied to her and told her I ran into the door in a drunken stupor. I have lied to cover up for holes that he has put in the wall. I am tired of lying. My best friend knows something is wrong. What can I do?
I know these things evolve slowly and you try to tell yourself it's really not that bad. But I have to tell you VERY seriously that you are in a DEEPLY SERIOUS SITUATION here and need to get it resolved immediately. You should never, ever hit someone and they should never hit you. It can take just ONE slight mistake during one of those arguments to cause one of you to be seriously injured or killed. Make a firm commitment to yourself right now that this is all going to be resolved.
What you have there is not love. It is dependency. He is treating you like a possession that he can control. He doesn't care for you or your happiness - he cares that you are on a leash. You are lashing out at him and actively desiring to cause him harm. He has become your jailor, not your supportive lover.
Yes, you may be able to regain the love you once had. But you can never regain it in this current situation. You need to find a therapist immediately and go talk with him or her. I would really recommend you stay with family or friends for at least a few weeks while you begin the process to get things more in perspective. Yes, you care for him and yes your end goal is to stay with him. But if you two destroy each other before you can get your life under control, you can destroy what last chances you have at finding that love again. What you have now is a spiralling destructive relationship that is nearing disaster.
Please, please, start talking with someone about this - and get BOTH of you in to talk to that person. A controlling person pretty much NEVER just "gets better" on his own. They get worse and worse because in their eyes the behavior becomes more and more "normal".
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com